Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Phil Heimlich went down to Clermont

Heimlich called me this morning before the alarm went off. Bastard.

"Peedee," he said, using his irritating pet name for me, "we need to talk."

"What's this all about," I managed to utter, trying to sound alert as I rolled out of bed, slipped on my house shoes with one hand (cordless in the other) and shuffled to the pissoir to relieve myself.

"It's about the 2nd Congressional District. I heard you're helping Schmidt."

"You heard correctly. So what? It could have been yours, but you screwed that up, didn't you, Philbert?"

He swore at me, and in between expletives he managed to squeeze in something about how I shouldn't have gotten in his way in the first place. Then he cut to the chase.

"Look, Peedee, here's the deal. You got in my way last time, and you screwed up any chance I'll get at this seat for the next 10 years, regardless of the outcome. There is no doubt whatsoever that I would be your Congressman if you and I had squared off head-to-head last summer. No doubt."

I begin to object, but he cut me off.

"Stop. I know you don't believe me, and that's why I called..."

(Cue music - "The Devil Went Down to Georgia")

Heimlich went down to Clermont, he was looking for a soul to steal.
Petro got him in a bind, and made him way behind, and he was willing to make a deal.
When he came across this young man helping out Mean Jean who thinks she's hot,
He jumped on his cell phone, called him up and said, "Boy, let me tell you what."

I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a political player too,
And if you care, to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

Now you play pretty good politics, son, but give old Heimlich his due...
I'll bet my war chest of gold against your soul, I think I'm better than you.

The boy said, my name's P-P-Patrick and it might be a sin,
but I'll take your bet
you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been.

Patrick's gonna break out the tricks and drive Mean Jean real hard.
'Cause Hell's broke loose in the District and Phil Heimlich deals the cards.
And if Pat wins he gets Phil's war chest filled with gold,
but if he loses, Phil Heimlich get's his soul...

Phil Heimlich broke out his rolodex and said, "I'll start this show."
Fire flew from his cell phone as he started to raise some dough.
He worked real hard and lined people up and Mean Jean made an evil hiss.
Then Bob McEwen joined him, and it sounded something like this:



CHORUS
Fire Mean Jean, Run Bob Run!
Phil really is Dr. Heimlich's son.
She's gotta big mouth, and she's really gotta go.
Can she ever tell the truth? No, Phil, no.

When Heimlich finished, Patrick said, well, you're pretty good old son.
But sit back in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done:

CHORUS
She grew up on a farm and raised taxes for fun.
She told John Murtha, "Cowards cut and run."
Faked support from Chabot and Tan-cre-do,
Jean even said she hates Elizabeth Dole.

(Cue wicked fiddle - fade to silence - To Be Continued)

The stage has been set. I took the bet. Phil said it was time to put up or shut up.

And so it is.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A Deal with the Devil

After she hung up on me, I decided to take a spin over to the Montgomery Inn and see how things were shaping up for old Mean Jean.

As I pulled up to the entrance, I handed my keys to the valet and sauntered inside. My neck, as usual, was killing me, and so I hunched over to relieve the awful pain.

At first, I wasn't sure there was an event at all. Aside from the Clermont Charter bus outside, the parking lot appeared almost empty. But as I entered the main area, it was clear I'd found the right place. For there, almost directly in front of me, was the red-mustached Tim Rudd.

You have no idea how agonizing this man can be until you meet him. To say that he "prattles" is too kind. Prattling requires the speaker to speak quickly, which I suppose indicates a slightly higher form of intelligence, insofar as the human brain has to work quickly to instruct the mouth what to say.

With Tim Rudd, the mouth drones on endlessly, but somewhat slowly, with the red mustache moving up and down, up and down, up and down until one becomes hypnotized by the repetitive motion - so much so that I found myself composing this very paragraph in my mind as he spoke to me...

"blah blah blah, blah blah blah... the Banks project?" he asked.

"There isn't much question about that anymore," I replied, then quickly popped a cheese cube into my mouth as I looked over his shoulder.

Jennifer Black approached.

"Why haven't you endorsed my sister?" she demanded, as she slapped a Schmidt sticker on my chest without asking. "You told me you were going to endorse her!"

"I what?"

"You lied to me. You said you would endorse Jean last time we talked."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," I replied.

Staring at her wrinkly face, and nodding as she flapped her jaw at me, it occured to me that Jennifer Black was like a used car with high mileage. Even more mileage than her sister. Worse, she didn't try to fake it as much as Jean did. Where Jean wore make-up caked into her wrinkles, Jennifer Black wore none.

I was having a hard time deciding which one of them was harder on the eyes when Jean herself walked up for a direct comparison. I forced myself to avoid looking directly at her, to avoid turning to stone.

"Hi, Pat! Thanks for coming!" She threw her arms around my sore neck and gave me a hug as though we were siblings. I grimaced. "Have you given any more thought to giving me your opposition research against McEwen and Brinkman?"

"Yes, Jean, I have. And here's the deal. In lieu of giving you access to Father's massive database on potential opponents, I've decided I'm going to advise your campaign through the primary, since Allen Freeman and Barry Bennett obviously could use a little help."

"How much is that going to cost me?" Jean inquired.

"I'm going to give you a deal - I'll be on call for your campaign 24/7 until May 2nd. And I'll do it on the condition that you allow me to blog about it on DeWine's Daily Dose. So do we have a deal?"

"Sure. It's a deal," Jean said.

And with that, I grabbed a handful of kettle-fried Montgomery Inn potato chips, turned on my heels, and headed for the car.

As I pulled out onto the road a few minutes later, I picked up the phone and called her.

"You know, your event is filled with a family, staff, and a handful of oddballs, mostly from Clermont County. I strongly suggest you include a picture of Rob Portman in your press release for tomorrow. It'll make people think he was really there."

"But Pat, that's dishonest," she didn't say.

Monday, March 13, 2006

She Called Me.

There I was, sitting on my porch sipping a Red Bull Energy Drink, quietly minding my own business and bothering nobody as I browsed the hotties on Matchmaker.com.

It was a bit breezy, but aside from that, an otherwise gorgeous night as I watched a ladybug crawl slowly over the Red Bull logo on the side of the can.

The phone rang.

Could it be her? My heart leapt for a moment, until I saw the number come up on Caller ID. A Loveland prefix. Definitely not my old flame, Betty Hull. It was probably Heimlich calling to let me know that the kickback on the Banks project was up to a cool mil a piece...



I punched the button and answered on the fifth ring.

"Hello?"

The lady bug reached the apex of the can, spread it's clamshell wings and soared away, leaving me alone with my caller.

Smart bug.

"Pat? Hi! It's Jean Schmidt. Listen, I bumped into your father at my fundraiser over in Indian Hill the other day, and after President Bush left, he told me I should invite you to my big "Campaign Kickoff" at Montgomery Inn tonight."

"That's so kind of you," I replied. "By the way, were your supporters impressed that President Bush flew in just for you? Did you raise a lot of money?"

"Absolutely! We brought in hundreds of thousands of dollars! Our campaign is in great shape. You should see the name-brand crackers and cheese spread we are serving at the event tonight! Are you coming?"

I cut to the chase.

"Look - quit beating around the bush, Jean. I know you want something. So what is it?"

She replied without hesitation - "It's simple, Pat. I want your opposition research from the Special Election. Everything you've got. I want the McEwen stuff and the Brinkman stuff. What's it going to take?"

"A million dollars," I said, unflinchingly.

"Seriously. How much?" she persisted.

"One - Million - Dollars. And not a dime less, Jeanie," I said firmly.

She hung up on me, as I thought she would. There's no way she could possibly afford to pay that price with the way her campaign is going. Word on K Street in D.C. is that she's dead in the water, can't raise any money, and is so prone to blunders and missteps that people simply can't take her seriously anymore.

I know the feeling.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Why are you still here?

It's over folks. Go home. Log off. Turn off the computer.

Father's blog won't be up and running until a true conservative announces he is going to challenge my RINO daddy.

McEwen could challenge Father with a little help from the folks in Cleveland and Columbus. God knows the people of southern Ohio hate my whole family so much that even Doug Mink could give Father a run for his money next March.

Brinkman will be in need of a job soon enough, when term-limits force him to stop his indiscriminate tax-killing. And he had a decent showing here too. Clearly, he's more conservative than Father.

At any rate, I can't keep writing blog entries now that the race is over. As you know, Betty is insatiable and I'm just worn out all the time.

When the time comes, I'll give the Whistleblower a heads up, and I'm confident he will direct your attention to Father's new blog once there is something worth looking at.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for voting. I didn't want the job anyway. Mean Jean will be a fine representative for us. Here's hoping she gets into a cat fight with some of those nasty non-male Democrats on the Hill.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Jean Schmidt Owes Me.

I'm sitting here looking at a printout of the votes I got in this race, and comparing it to the staggering amount of money I spent.

For those of you who think I wasted my money, I disagree. What I bought with that cash was the defeat of Bob McEwen. And for that, Jean Schmidt must pay. Tomorrow morning, I'm sending her a bill for the sum of $547,950, which is the sum total of the money I expended on negative campaign ads against Bob McEwen.

Half a million dollars to make certain that the truth about McEwen was distorted beyond recognition.

So Jean, before you get too cocky from your victory, remember, you slipped in under the rader, unnoticed, and you have me to thank. That's why you're getting a bill.

With that, let me say Congratulations to Jean Schmidt on her victory tonight. I'm certain no one is as surprised as you are, Jean. And let me also say that blogging about my campaign has been quite fun, but all good things must come to an end.

If ever I decide to seek higher office, this blog may once again rear it's ugly head. And one more thought - Father really liked the idea of this blog, and there is a strong chance he may start one of his own for the Senatorial primary in the near future.

Time will tell.

And so, this is the utterly defeated Pat DeWine signing off. It's been fun. Here's hoping you never have to read this blog again.

Cheerio.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Great Blogs Never Die, They Just Fade Away...

Well, faithful readers, the time has come to say thanks for your readership lo these many weeks.

With less than 24 hours before the polls close, I wanted to let each of you know that, depending on the outcome of the voting tomorrow, DeWine's Daily Dose may continue through August 2nd, or tomorrow it may fade away into obscurity.

So, who's behind this belligerent blog? As I've said from very beginning, it REALLY IS ME. And that's all you'll EVER need to know about it. More importantly, let me tell you who ISN'T behind this blog:

1) It isn't some paid operative charging somebody's campaign thousands of dollars for opposition internet activity.

2) It isn't some campaign staffer being told what to write on a daily basis.

I've said it all along, and I'm saying it again, DeWine's Daily Dose is an inside look at the DeWine for Congress campaign, conceived and executed by Yours Truly, and that's all you'll ever know, unless you have an FBI subpoena or something. Perhaps then you might be able to confirm that it really was done by me, Pat DeWine. Until then, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Special thanks to the one person who has helped make this blog truly special. You know who you are.

Thanks to the Whistleblower, for putting this blog on the map. Without Charles Foster Kane, I'd be typing to myself. Charles, it was fun. I enjoyed chatting with you on a number of occassions. But you chatted with so many over these past few months that you'll never be able to narrow it down...

Thanks to Nate Livingston for mentioning DDD on his own blog.

Apologies to Steve Austin, David R. Smith, and especially, the very wrinkly Jean Schmidt. Did anyone see her legs at the picnic in Adams County yesterday? Sheesh. Why does she wear skirts? Ewww. Please don't vote her into office unless she promises to wear slacks every day.

After the victory party tomorrow, check in here. I'm sure I'll have something to say.

More Bitter Bile from Brinkman's Boneheads

Over the weekend, the desperados in the Brinkman campaign worked overtime spamming a little known blog called DeWine's Daily Dose. The lead spammer, who goes by the name "Mike Mears" with an email address of noattention2detail@yahoo.com, is apparently so bitter and so caught up in this race that he spent all his waking hours writing me email messages.

Here's one excerpt that gives you some idea of the desperate, bitter rage coursing through this pathetic man's brain:

Well good job there coward..... You took down the comments -- afraid people will beleive my posts rather than your pathetic crap? Why not keep it up? You don't believe in fair play?

So how much is this blog worth? $25,000 -- $45,000 -- or is the only way you are going to get paid is if your guy wins and he gives you a $25,000 a year job?


You see? This man has lost all sense of reality. In another email, he claims he has access to tracking poll data showing that his camp is actually coming on strong. Yet no one has published that poll data anywhere. Even the Blower got sucked into mentioning this bogus tracking poll crap - but failed to provide a link.

The fact is, while Brinkman ran an excellent race, he has nothing to lose, because when he vaults me into Congress by splitting the McEwen vote, everyone knows he's going to campaign for my old Commissioner's seat...

In the end, though, everyone who has seen Brinkman knows the Enquirer nailed him to the wall when they said yesterday he has earned a reputation as one of the "least effective legislators" in the state house.

That's pretty pathetic considering how ineffective that entire body has been over the past few years.

So, bonehead, stop spamming me with your sore-loser emails and join the Pat DeWine victory party! There will be plenty of food and drink for everyone tomorrow at 8pm at the Cargo Pants Bar and Grille, where there will be a special seat for Tom Brinkman for helping me split the anti-DeWine vote, and we will have a special reading of "Mike Mear's" emails once Tom is good and liquored up.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: DeWine Endorses Anyone Else

It's getting down to the nitty-gritty in this race for the GOP nomination - with just two days to go, the race is literally a toss-up.

When it all started, I was the clear favorite. My own polling showed I was in complete command of this race, and it was mine to lose, with a 32-point lead over second place Bob McEwen, 42%-10%.

On the day of the Anderson GOP Club forum, my internal polls had me down by NINE points - 34% to 25% - to Bob McEwen. That is why I felt it necessary to go negative on the Bobster. At that time, Jean Schmidt was trailing in a distant third place, with just 15% of the vote, and Tom Brinkman was in fourth place, with 14%.

Then my ads started hitting, along with the Club for Growth ad against Scmidt. Both Bob, Jean AND I took a beating in the polls, while Brinkman gained some momentum. But my overall strategy worked. Three days ago, confidential internal polling showed the following results:

McEwen: 24%
DeWine: 23%
Brinkman: 20%
Schmidt: 14%

Friday's poll showed another trend, with McEwen starting to rebound from the negative attacks, and Brinkman tied with me:
McEwen: 25%
DeWine: 21%
Brinkman: 21%
Schmidt: 13%

So imagine my delight when the Enquirer endorsed Jean Schmidt! Cincinnati's "paper of record" printed, in black and white for all to see, that they endorsed the candidate who is virtually guaranteed to take 4th place in this race. What a joke. But for the Whistleblower to argue that the Enquirer is irrelevant has to be one of the largest blunders in the history of political punditry.

Yes, Charles Foster Kane, the Enquirer endorsement will prove to be QUITE relevant, as I told everyone on Friday. As long as the Enquirer doesn't endorse Bob McEwen (and they very nearly did, as you can tell from the article), they may as well have endorsed me.

Here's why:

Bob McEwen, Jean Schmidt and Tom Brinkman are virtually identical in terms of the types of folks who will vote for them (i.e. the "anti-DeWine crowd). Thus, the endorsement of FOURTH PLACE JEAN SCHMIDT serves me well for the following reasons:

1) She's in fourth place. The endorsement isn't going to put her over the top by any stretch of the imagination.

2) Of the voters who are swayed by the Enquirer's endorsement, NONE of them will be defecting from MY camp.

3) Thus, the only candidates hurt by this endorsement are McEwen and Brinkman, due to the fact that their voting blocks may be slightly reduced by this endorsement.

So, there you have it. The Enquirer's endorsement is little more than an attempt to further weaken the GOP's chances on August 2nd. Speaking of that, let's look ahead to the August 2nd General Election, shall we?

How do you think each of our GOP candidates (me included) are going to match up in a head to head battle against the presumptive Democratic nominee? Imagine each of the "Big Four" GOP candidates in a televised debate against the handsome and quite moderate Democratic nominee, Paul Hackett:

Jean Schmidt vs. Paul Hackett: This could get ugly. Schmidt will put voters to sleep with her monotone stories of growing up on a farm and how it somehow taught her values that her opponent couldn't possibly have. Meanwhile, Hackett will be telling stories about how he helped gun down Iraqi insurgents who were threatening his fellow Marines. Hackett is pro-second Amendment. So is everyone east of Clermont County. Final Vote: 52-48% Hackett

Tom Brinkman vs. Paul Hackett: Another "barn-burner" here. Brinkman's dumpy appearance and dry delivery do not win him any crossover votes. Hackett's moderate positions and his contrasting appearance to Brinkman earn him a number of swing votes. Hackett will lie, like all good Democrats, and say that he too is against raising taxes. Without any public service record to prove otherwise, people will be inclined to believe him. Hackett is the perfect candidate for the Democrats to slip in and steal this seat... This race would NOT be a repeat of Charles Sanders vs. Rob Portman. Don't make that mistake. Final Vote: 51-49% Brinkman after multiple recounts.

Bob McEwen vs. Paul Hackett: The only thing saving McEwen here is his ability to deliver jaw-dropping speeches and articulate the conservative position. His strong ties in the eastern counties will help prevent Hackett from making inroads there. Further, the values voters who launched "W" into his second term would come out in force for McEwen if the race appeared close. In a head to head debate, McEwen could likely best Hackett due to the latter's inexperience and the former's command of such events. But again, this matchup won't be the 50-point blowout we saw four times in Sanders vs. Portman. Final vote: 58-42% McEwen.

Me vs. Hackett: Two words. Russ Jackson. Would he really enter the race, split the conservative vote, and end up launching the political career of Paul Hackett? You betcha. And here's why: Because in March there would be another GOP primary, Hackett would have a REAL conservative as a contender for the November general election. So the threat from Russ Jackson is very real. I take it seriously, and here would be the final tally of the August 2nd vote: Hackett 54%, Jackson 32%, DeWine 14%. Ouch.

For that reason, I must now "fall on my sword" and endorse the single candidate who matches up best against a liberal, pro-abortion trial lawyer. I leave it to you, dear readers, to do what is right in this case, and vote for the one candidate who can build and maintain a coalition to defeat the enemies of conservatism, be they philandering politicians like me or gay and abortion rights lawyers like Hackett.

On Tuesday, vote for the BEST CANDIDATE, THE BEST LEADER, the one candidate who we know can get the job done.

Otherwise, you'll be forced to vote for Russ Jackson on August 2nd.