From Fisticuffs to Fast Friends

If any of you were wondering why I didn't show up at the CCV forum last night, let me explain.

I was driving up I-71 when I noticed another car in my rear view mirror. The car was tailgating me and the driver looked like the squinty-eyed and bespectacled cartoon character, Mr. Magoo.

I floored the accelerator - not only was I running late for the forum, but I wanted to see if Mr. Magoo had the guts to give chase.

He did.

I weaved in and out of traffic, and he followed.

I zigged. He zagged.

I went from the fast lane on the left over to the Kenwood exit ramp so suddenly that I cut off an 18-wheeler and he had to lock up his brakes. Mr. Magoo couldn't follow me, so he locked up his own brakes, stopped traffic, and cut across once the semi got out of his way. By that time I had a lead of about 100 yards, but the traffic light stopped me.

I sat there, pounding my steering wheel and checking my rear view mirror. There he was, picking up speed and barreling right for me! The light changed. The car in front of me started to roll, and I with it. Mr. Magoo was closing on me.

I swerved into the right lane and Magoo followed, but we had no choice but to exit at Kenwood Mall. I floored it through the parking lot and parked in a handicapped slot, jumped out of the car and sprinted toward the entrance near the Cheesecake Factory. Who was this crazy man? An assassin sent by McEwen? Not likely. I looked over my shoulder and Magoo was exiting his own car.

A car screeched to a halt in front of me, gently clipping me and forcing me to lean on the hood as I jumped up and around the fender, still looking back at Mr. Magoo. Then I recognized him...

It was Steve Austin! What the...? Was he trying to kill me? He wasn't running, but the look on his face reminded me of "Agent Smith" from the Matrix as he walked methodically towards me.



I stood my ground as he approached. "What's the meaning of this?" I demanded to know.

He said nothing, but kept closing the gap. I braced for combat. This puny wimp didn't scare me.

Suddenly, he started dashing towards me and lept into the air, launching into an amazing flurry of kicks before he landed. My arms were able to deflect most of the blows, but the sheer force knocked me backward. I counterpunched, and he blocked. He threw an uppercut, which I caught with my left hand. I landed a kick on his ribs and he reeled, but recovered in time to kick me back. Fists and feet were flying in a flurry of pugilistic artistry. He backed me up against the entrance door, and I ducked inside to catch my breath. He picked up a trash can and threw it at me. I gave more ground. I fought a defensive battle going backwards up the wheelchair ramp and before long, we were slugging it out next to Godiva Chocolates.

I was getting tired. So was he. The punches and kicks started to slow, and they seemed less forceful. Austin closed on me. By now, we were just outside Victoria's Secret and a large poster caught my wandering eye.

Austin seized the moment and tackled me. We wrestled on the ground, grappling at one another. Austin grabbed my sportcoat and twisted it in his hands, stretching the fabric and pinning my arms to my sides. He rolled me onto my stomach and put me in the sleeper hold. I could feel blackness closing in on me... with one last, desperate act, I reached backward and grabbed his crotch, squeezing for all I was worth.

His voice seemed to have a higher pitch as he screamed in agony, but he just pressed the sleeper hold even harder. My grip on his crotch loosened, and everything went black...

_______________________

I woke in a Shiatsu Massage Chair at The Sharper Image. Austin was nowhere to be found. I ached all over and my clothes were soaked with sweat, blood and grime from the mall floor. They were wrinkled beyond repair. I checked my watch. It was 7:09pm. The CCV forum had already started! OH NO!

I reached for my Blackberry to call Shannon when I noticed a note in my lap. It read:

Mr. DeWine:

I am better than you. I proved that tonight. So despite the fact that the Anderson GOP rated both of us "Not Qualified" to replace Rob Portman in Congress, at least I have the satisfaction that I can whip your butt anytime I so choose. Such knowledge is important to me, for I come from a family with a long, warrior tradition. Although I may have lost this primary election, along with you, I can take pride in the fact that I bested you mano-a-mano in hand-to-hand combat.

I do not hold a grudge. I extend my hand in friendship to you. I have reserved a table at the Cheesecake Factory and hope you will join me for a slice of White-Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake.

Sincerely,

Steve Austin

I pried myself from the Shiatsu chair and called Shannon on the Blackberry.

"Where are you?" She demanded.

"I'm not going to the debate after all. Pack it in. We aren't going to score points at a family values forum anyway. Let's just focus all of our resources on the concensus 'anti-DeWine' candidate."

"What am I supposed to tell the media?" She asked, irritating me once again. It seems like I have to think of everything. If she only knew that the poll to fire her was running 60-40% in favor of kicking her to the curb, she might try harder.

"I don't know. Tell them the event is biased because Burress already endorsed McEwen," I said in a rather unpleasant tone.

"But everyone will know that's just a load of crap. Burress has nothing to do with this event and CCV isn't endorsing anyone."

"Just do it!" I screamed, then hung up the phone.

I walked to the Cheesecake Factory and found Austin, plowing through his slice of Raspberry Truffle. He wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin and stood to shake my hand.

"Now isn't eating a slice of cheesecake better than sweating like a whore in church at a forum where you wouldn't win a single vote anyway?"

"Let me see," I replied, then slid the first bite into my crooked mouth. My palate was treated to a delightful sensation as I swallowed the creamy confection. "Yes, Mr. Austin, this is better. Screw Citizens for Community Values."

"Screw this election," said my new friend.

I spent the rest of the night trying to get an endorsement out of him.