DeWine's Daily Dose

Phil Heimlich went down to Clermont

2006-03-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Heimlich called me this morning before the alarm went off. Bastard.

"Peedee," he said, using his irritating pet name for me, "we need to talk."

"What's this all about," I managed to utter, trying to sound alert as I rolled out of bed, slipped on my house shoes with one hand (cordless in the other) and shuffled to the pissoir to relieve myself.

"It's about the 2nd Congressional District. I heard you're helping Schmidt."

"You heard correctly. So what? It could have been yours, but you screwed that up, didn't you, Philbert?"

He swore at me, and in between expletives he managed to squeeze in something about how I shouldn't have gotten in his way in the first place. Then he cut to the chase.

"Look, Peedee, here's the deal. You got in my way last time, and you screwed up any chance I'll get at this seat for the next 10 years, regardless of the outcome. There is no doubt whatsoever that I would be your Congressman if you and I had squared off head-to-head last summer. No doubt."

I begin to object, but he cut me off.

"Stop. I know you don't believe me, and that's why I called..."

(Cue music - "The Devil Went Down to Georgia")

Heimlich went down to Clermont, he was looking for a soul to steal.
Petro got him in a bind, and made him way behind, and he was willing to make a deal.
When he came across this young man helping out Mean Jean who thinks she's hot,
He jumped on his cell phone, called him up and said, "Boy, let me tell you what."

I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a political player too,
And if you care, to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

Now you play pretty good politics, son, but give old Heimlich his due...
I'll bet my war chest of gold against your soul, I think I'm better than you.

The boy said, my name's P-P-Patrick and it might be a sin,
but I'll take your bet
you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been.

Patrick's gonna break out the tricks and drive Mean Jean real hard.
'Cause Hell's broke loose in the District and Phil Heimlich deals the cards.
And if Pat wins he gets Phil's war chest filled with gold,
but if he loses, Phil Heimlich get's his soul...

Phil Heimlich broke out his rolodex and said, "I'll start this show."
Fire flew from his cell phone as he started to raise some dough.
He worked real hard and lined people up and Mean Jean made an evil hiss.
Then Bob McEwen joined him, and it sounded something like this:

CHORUS
Fire Mean Jean, Run Bob Run!
Phil really is Dr. Heimlich's son.
She's gotta big mouth, and she's really gotta go.
Can she ever tell the truth? No, Phil, no.

When Heimlich finished, Patrick said, well, you're pretty good old son.
But sit back in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done:

CHORUS
She grew up on a farm and raised taxes for fun.
She told John Murtha, "Cowards cut and run."
Faked support from Chabot and Tan-cre-do,
Jean even said she hates Elizabeth Dole.

(Cue wicked fiddle - fade to silence - To Be Continued)

The stage has been set. I took the bet. Phil said it was time to put up or shut up.

And so it is.

A Deal with the Devil

2006-03-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

After she hung up on me, I decided to take a spin over to the Montgomery Inn and see how things were shaping up for old Mean Jean.

As I pulled up to the entrance, I handed my keys to the valet and sauntered inside. My neck, as usual, was killing me, and so I hunched over to relieve the awful pain.

At first, I wasn't sure there was an event at all. Aside from the Clermont Charter bus outside, the parking lot appeared almost empty. But as I entered the main area, it was clear I'd found the right place. For there, almost directly in front of me, was the red-mustached Tim Rudd.

You have no idea how agonizing this man can be until you meet him. To say that he "prattles" is too kind. Prattling requires the speaker to speak quickly, which I suppose indicates a slightly higher form of intelligence, insofar as the human brain has to work quickly to instruct the mouth what to say.

With Tim Rudd, the mouth drones on endlessly, but somewhat slowly, with the red mustache moving up and down, up and down, up and down until one becomes hypnotized by the repetitive motion - so much so that I found myself composing this very paragraph in my mind as he spoke to me...

"blah blah blah, blah blah blah... the Banks project?" he asked.

"There isn't much question about that anymore," I replied, then quickly popped a cheese cube into my mouth as I looked over his shoulder.

Jennifer Black approached.

"Why haven't you endorsed my sister?" she demanded, as she slapped a Schmidt sticker on my chest without asking. "You told me you were going to endorse her!"

"I what?"

"You lied to me. You said you would endorse Jean last time we talked."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," I replied.

Staring at her wrinkly face, and nodding as she flapped her jaw at me, it occured to me that Jennifer Black was like a used car with high mileage. Even more mileage than her sister. Worse, she didn't try to fake it as much as Jean did. Where Jean wore make-up caked into her wrinkles, Jennifer Black wore none.

I was having a hard time deciding which one of them was harder on the eyes when Jean herself walked up for a direct comparison. I forced myself to avoid looking directly at her, to avoid turning to stone.

"Hi, Pat! Thanks for coming!" She threw her arms around my sore neck and gave me a hug as though we were siblings. I grimaced. "Have you given any more thought to giving me your opposition research against McEwen and Brinkman?"

"Yes, Jean, I have. And here's the deal. In lieu of giving you access to Father's massive database on potential opponents, I've decided I'm going to advise your campaign through the primary, since Allen Freeman and Barry Bennett obviously could use a little help."

"How much is that going to cost me?" Jean inquired.

"I'm going to give you a deal - I'll be on call for your campaign 24/7 until May 2nd. And I'll do it on the condition that you allow me to blog about it on DeWine's Daily Dose. So do we have a deal?"

"Sure. It's a deal," Jean said.

And with that, I grabbed a handful of kettle-fried Montgomery Inn potato chips, turned on my heels, and headed for the car.

As I pulled out onto the road a few minutes later, I picked up the phone and called her.

"You know, your event is filled with a family, staff, and a handful of oddballs, mostly from Clermont County. I strongly suggest you include a picture of Rob Portman in your press release for tomorrow. It'll make people think he was really there."

"But Pat, that's dishonest," she didn't say.

She Called Me.

2006-03-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

There I was, sitting on my porch sipping a Red Bull Energy Drink, quietly minding my own business and bothering nobody as I browsed the hotties on Matchmaker.com.

It was a bit breezy, but aside from that, an otherwise gorgeous night as I watched a ladybug crawl slowly over the Red Bull logo on the side of the can.

The phone rang.

Could it be her? My heart leapt for a moment, until I saw the number come up on Caller ID. A Loveland prefix. Definitely not my old flame, Betty Hull. It was probably Heimlich calling to let me know that the kickback on the Banks project was up to a cool mil a piece...

I punched the button and answered on the fifth ring.

"Hello?"

The lady bug reached the apex of the can, spread it's clamshell wings and soared away, leaving me alone with my caller.

Smart bug.

"Pat? Hi! It's Jean Schmidt. Listen, I bumped into your father at my fundraiser over in Indian Hill the other day, and after President Bush left, he told me I should invite you to my big "Campaign Kickoff" at Montgomery Inn tonight."

"That's so kind of you," I replied. "By the way, were your supporters impressed that President Bush flew in just for you? Did you raise a lot of money?"

"Absolutely! We brought in hundreds of thousands of dollars! Our campaign is in great shape. You should see the name-brand crackers and cheese spread we are serving at the event tonight! Are you coming?"

I cut to the chase.

"Look - quit beating around the bush, Jean. I know you want something. So what is it?"

She replied without hesitation - "It's simple, Pat. I want your opposition research from the Special Election. Everything you've got. I want the McEwen stuff and the Brinkman stuff. What's it going to take?"

"A million dollars," I said, unflinchingly.

"Seriously. How much?" she persisted.

"One - Million - Dollars. And not a dime less, Jeanie," I said firmly.

She hung up on me, as I thought she would. There's no way she could possibly afford to pay that price with the way her campaign is going. Word on K Street in D.C. is that she's dead in the water, can't raise any money, and is so prone to blunders and missteps that people simply can't take her seriously anymore.

I know the feeling.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Why are you still here?

2005-06-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's over folks. Go home. Log off. Turn off the computer.

Father's blog won't be up and running until a true conservative announces he is going to challenge my RINO daddy.

McEwen could challenge Father with a little help from the folks in Cleveland and Columbus. God knows the people of southern Ohio hate my whole family so much that even Doug Mink could give Father a run for his money next March.

Brinkman will be in need of a job soon enough, when term-limits force him to stop his indiscriminate tax-killing. And he had a decent showing here too. Clearly, he's more conservative than Father.

At any rate, I can't keep writing blog entries now that the race is over. As you know, Betty is insatiable and I'm just worn out all the time.

When the time comes, I'll give the Whistleblower a heads up, and I'm confident he will direct your attention to Father's new blog once there is something worth looking at.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for voting. I didn't want the job anyway. Mean Jean will be a fine representative for us. Here's hoping she gets into a cat fight with some of those nasty non-male Democrats on the Hill.

Jean Schmidt Owes Me.

2005-06-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here looking at a printout of the votes I got in this race, and comparing it to the staggering amount of money I spent.

For those of you who think I wasted my money, I disagree. What I bought with that cash was the defeat of Bob McEwen. And for that, Jean Schmidt must pay. Tomorrow morning, I'm sending her a bill for the sum of $547,950, which is the sum total of the money I expended on negative campaign ads against Bob McEwen.

Half a million dollars to make certain that the truth about McEwen was distorted beyond recognition.

So Jean, before you get too cocky from your victory, remember, you slipped in under the rader, unnoticed, and you have me to thank. That's why you're getting a bill.

With that, let me say Congratulations to Jean Schmidt on her victory tonight. I'm certain no one is as surprised as you are, Jean. And let me also say that blogging about my campaign has been quite fun, but all good things must come to an end.

If ever I decide to seek higher office, this blog may once again rear it's ugly head. And one more thought - Father really liked the idea of this blog, and there is a strong chance he may start one of his own for the Senatorial primary in the near future.

Time will tell.

And so, this is the utterly defeated Pat DeWine signing off. It's been fun. Here's hoping you never have to read this blog again.

Cheerio.

Great Blogs Never Die, They Just Fade Away...

2005-06-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well, faithful readers, the time has come to say thanks for your readership lo these many weeks.

With less than 24 hours before the polls close, I wanted to let each of you know that, depending on the outcome of the voting tomorrow, DeWine's Daily Dose may continue through August 2nd, or tomorrow it may fade away into obscurity.

So, who's behind this belligerent blog? As I've said from very beginning, it REALLY IS ME. And that's all you'll EVER need to know about it. More importantly, let me tell you who ISN'T behind this blog:

1) It isn't some paid operative charging somebody's campaign thousands of dollars for opposition internet activity.

2) It isn't some campaign staffer being told what to write on a daily basis.

I've said it all along, and I'm saying it again, DeWine's Daily Dose is an inside look at the DeWine for Congress campaign, conceived and executed by Yours Truly, and that's all you'll ever know, unless you have an FBI subpoena or something. Perhaps then you might be able to confirm that it really was done by me, Pat DeWine. Until then, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Special thanks to the one person who has helped make this blog truly special. You know who you are.

Thanks to the Whistleblower, for putting this blog on the map. Without Charles Foster Kane, I'd be typing to myself. Charles, it was fun. I enjoyed chatting with you on a number of occassions. But you chatted with so many over these past few months that you'll never be able to narrow it down...

Thanks to Nate Livingston for mentioning DDD on his own blog.

Apologies to Steve Austin, David R. Smith, and especially, the very wrinkly Jean Schmidt. Did anyone see her legs at the picnic in Adams County yesterday? Sheesh. Why does she wear skirts? Ewww. Please don't vote her into office unless she promises to wear slacks every day.

After the victory party tomorrow, check in here. I'm sure I'll have something to say.

More Bitter Bile from Brinkman's Boneheads

2005-06-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, the desperados in the Brinkman campaign worked overtime spamming a little known blog called DeWine's Daily Dose. The lead spammer, who goes by the name "Mike Mears" with an email address of noattention2detail@yahoo.com, is apparently so bitter and so caught up in this race that he spent all his waking hours writing me email messages.

Here's one excerpt that gives you some idea of the desperate, bitter rage coursing through this pathetic man's brain:

Well good job there coward..... You took down the comments -- afraid people will beleive my posts rather than your pathetic crap? Why not keep it up? You don't believe in fair play?

So how much is this blog worth? $25,000 -- $45,000 -- or is the only way you are going to get paid is if your guy wins and he gives you a $25,000 a year job?

You see? This man has lost all sense of reality. In another email, he claims he has access to tracking poll data showing that his camp is actually coming on strong. Yet no one has published that poll data anywhere. Even the Blower got sucked into mentioning this bogus tracking poll crap - but failed to provide a link.

The fact is, while Brinkman ran an excellent race, he has nothing to lose, because when he vaults me into Congress by splitting the McEwen vote, everyone knows he's going to campaign for my old Commissioner's seat...

In the end, though, everyone who has seen Brinkman knows the Enquirer nailed him to the wall when they said yesterday he has earned a reputation as one of the "least effective legislators" in the state house.

That's pretty pathetic considering how ineffective that entire body has been over the past few years.

So, bonehead, stop spamming me with your sore-loser emails and join the Pat DeWine victory party! There will be plenty of food and drink for everyone tomorrow at 8pm at the Cargo Pants Bar and Grille, where there will be a special seat for Tom Brinkman for helping me split the anti-DeWine vote, and we will have a special reading of "Mike Mear's" emails once Tom is good and liquored up.

BREAKING NEWS: DeWine Endorses Anyone Else

2005-06-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

It's getting down to the nitty-gritty in this race for the GOP nomination - with just two days to go, the race is literally a toss-up.

When it all started, I was the clear favorite. My own polling showed I was in complete command of this race, and it was mine to lose, with a 32-point lead over second place Bob McEwen, 42%-10%.

On the day of the Anderson GOP Club forum, my internal polls had me down by NINE points - 34% to 25% - to Bob McEwen. That is why I felt it necessary to go negative on the Bobster. At that time, Jean Schmidt was trailing in a distant third place, with just 15% of the vote, and Tom Brinkman was in fourth place, with 14%.

Then my ads started hitting, along with the Club for Growth ad against Scmidt. Both Bob, Jean AND I took a beating in the polls, while Brinkman gained some momentum. But my overall strategy worked. Three days ago, confidential internal polling showed the following results:

McEwen: 24%
DeWine: 23%
Brinkman: 20%
Schmidt: 14%

Friday's poll showed another trend, with McEwen starting to rebound from the negative attacks, and Brinkman tied with me:
McEwen: 25%
DeWine: 21%
Brinkman: 21%
Schmidt: 13%

So imagine my delight when the Enquirer endorsed Jean Schmidt! Cincinnati's "paper of record" printed, in black and white for all to see, that they endorsed the candidate who is virtually guaranteed to take 4th place in this race. What a joke. But for the Whistleblower to argue that the Enquirer is irrelevant has to be one of the largest blunders in the history of political punditry.

Yes, Charles Foster Kane, the Enquirer endorsement will prove to be QUITE relevant, as I told everyone on Friday. As long as the Enquirer doesn't endorse Bob McEwen (and they very nearly did, as you can tell from the article), they may as well have endorsed me.

Here's why:

Bob McEwen, Jean Schmidt and Tom Brinkman are virtually identical in terms of the types of folks who will vote for them (i.e. the "anti-DeWine crowd). Thus, the endorsement of FOURTH PLACE JEAN SCHMIDT serves me well for the following reasons:

1) She's in fourth place. The endorsement isn't going to put her over the top by any stretch of the imagination.

2) Of the voters who are swayed by the Enquirer's endorsement, NONE of them will be defecting from MY camp.

3) Thus, the only candidates hurt by this endorsement are McEwen and Brinkman, due to the fact that their voting blocks may be slightly reduced by this endorsement.

So, there you have it. The Enquirer's endorsement is little more than an attempt to further weaken the GOP's chances on August 2nd. Speaking of that, let's look ahead to the August 2nd General Election, shall we?

How do you think each of our GOP candidates (me included) are going to match up in a head to head battle against the presumptive Democratic nominee? Imagine each of the "Big Four" GOP candidates in a televised debate against the handsome and quite moderate Democratic nominee, Paul Hackett:

Jean Schmidt vs. Paul Hackett: This could get ugly. Schmidt will put voters to sleep with her monotone stories of growing up on a farm and how it somehow taught her values that her opponent couldn't possibly have. Meanwhile, Hackett will be telling stories about how he helped gun down Iraqi insurgents who were threatening his fellow Marines. Hackett is pro-second Amendment. So is everyone east of Clermont County. Final Vote: 52-48% Hackett

Tom Brinkman vs. Paul Hackett: Another "barn-burner" here. Brinkman's dumpy appearance and dry delivery do not win him any crossover votes. Hackett's moderate positions and his contrasting appearance to Brinkman earn him a number of swing votes. Hackett will lie, like all good Democrats, and say that he too is against raising taxes. Without any public service record to prove otherwise, people will be inclined to believe him. Hackett is the perfect candidate for the Democrats to slip in and steal this seat... This race would NOT be a repeat of Charles Sanders vs. Rob Portman. Don't make that mistake. Final Vote: 51-49% Brinkman after multiple recounts.

Bob McEwen vs. Paul Hackett: The only thing saving McEwen here is his ability to deliver jaw-dropping speeches and articulate the conservative position. His strong ties in the eastern counties will help prevent Hackett from making inroads there. Further, the values voters who launched "W" into his second term would come out in force for McEwen if the race appeared close. In a head to head debate, McEwen could likely best Hackett due to the latter's inexperience and the former's command of such events. But again, this matchup won't be the 50-point blowout we saw four times in Sanders vs. Portman. Final vote: 58-42% McEwen.

Me vs. Hackett: Two words. Russ Jackson. Would he really enter the race, split the conservative vote, and end up launching the political career of Paul Hackett? You betcha. And here's why: Because in March there would be another GOP primary, Hackett would have a REAL conservative as a contender for the November general election. So the threat from Russ Jackson is very real. I take it seriously, and here would be the final tally of the August 2nd vote: Hackett 54%, Jackson 32%, DeWine 14%. Ouch.

For that reason, I must now "fall on my sword" and endorse the single candidate who matches up best against a liberal, pro-abortion trial lawyer. I leave it to you, dear readers, to do what is right in this case, and vote for the one candidate who can build and maintain a coalition to defeat the enemies of conservatism, be they philandering politicians like me or gay and abortion rights lawyers like Hackett.

On Tuesday, vote for the BEST CANDIDATE, THE BEST LEADER, the one candidate who we know can get the job done.

Otherwise, you'll be forced to vote for Russ Jackson on August 2nd.

Brinkman's Boneheads

2005-06-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

For those who visited my blog earlier today, you might have enjoyed reading the graffiti left behind by overzealous and over-jealous Brinkman supporters - both of them.

Yes, for some reason, these two Brinkman folks lost all sense of decorum in their 11th-hour desperation to propel their candidate into third place. This is not a knock against Mr. Brinkman, as he and his staff have conducted an effective campaign with very limited resources - a fact I mentioned in yesterday's post. But they just couldn't abide the FACT that their desperate hopeless bid to win this race is going to accomplish NOTHING except to propel Yours Truly into Congress on Tuesday, where I shall remain for a period of not less than 20 years before I assume Father's Senate seat.

Silly "Taxkiller" fans. Here's a story for you. One of my favorites.

The Old Consensus Lighthouse shone bright in the night sky, illuminating a path for wayward Republicans who were lost in the vast Philandering Sea. And there, cruising toward the safe harbor at Portman Bay was the S.S. McEwen, loaded with family-values supporters who were desperate for deliverance from the evil creatures lurking in the Sea of DeWine, like the dreaded, multi-tentacled leviathan known as Senator DeWine.

The S.S. McEwen sailed proudly, with its sleek lines and polished deck, and the captain on the bridge stood tall and proud - an experienced man who knew how to navigate the treacherous depths below. But the dreadnaught DeWine was guarding the harbor, and fired a broadside salvo at the proud S.S. McEwen, trying to scare it off.

The proud ship sailed ahead. A handful of passengers lining the deck wavered, but they stood firm and stayed aboard.

Just behind the S.S. McEwen sailed the mighty S.S. Brinkman. She too was a proud ship, but somewhat slower than the McEwen. As both ships weathered blasts from the guns of DeWine, it became apparent that a single ship with full support could easily slip the harbor entrance - but that both ships attempting to enter together would surely dash themselves on the sharp and jagged rocks known as Pride's Point.

The Captain of the S.S. McEwen had a full head of steam. His passengers were counting on him to get them to the harbor. He looked to his right and slightly back and saw that the S.S. Brinkman wasn't slowing down, but was actually stoking the engines for a run at the harbor entrance. A suicidal game of chicken! Incredulous, the McEwen's captain ordered full speed ahead from the engine room and got it. The ship lurched forward, shrugging off the blasts and harmless spray from the guns of DeWine.

The S.S. Brinkman kept coming, keeping pace but remaining behind the S.S. McEwen. The harbor entrance was just ahead. Pride's Point loomed. The two proud ships sailed onward, and the S.S. Brinkman refused to yield the right-of-way. The two ships collided, and neither could stop the inevitable drift towards Pride's Point. There, the S.S. McEwen was forced onto the jagged rocks by the collision with the S.S. Brinkman, and then the second ship, too, was dashed onto Pride's Point. Both vessels were torn in half, and the desperate Republican passengers flailed about in treacherous waters.

As the dark and murky sea claimed them one by one, a hunched and balding captain stood cackling on the bridge of the dreadnaught DeWine as he sailed his well-funded vessel into the harbor and claimed Portman Bay as his very own.
_________________________________________

Ahhh... I love that story. And I love the fact that even Brinkman's people aren't afraid to sling mud at my #1 rival in this race. It's proof positive that they are cannibalizing the anti-DeWine faction, splitting the consensus vote, and vaulting me to victory. Keep up the good work, bonehead(s).

Well, we're moving on up.

2005-06-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Many of you will, of course, think that I'm being a bit presumptuous by packing up my belongings in a moving van and getting ready for the big move to D.C.

I disagree. I'm just being prudent. Since the winner of this race is so obviously going to destroy the Democrat's annointed pro-choice trial lawyer in August, why shouldn't I start packing now?

Let's face it folks, this campaign is over. The minute that those idiot anti-DeWine folks start thinking that someone like Brinkman or Schmidt have a chance, well, I'm home free. And the REALLY bad news is that there are people who HONESTLY BELIEVE that Brinkman or Schmidt could pull it off.

Such thinking will be the undoing of the entire anti-DeWine movement. The BEST possible thing that could have happened to me last week in Anderson was getting booed off the stage. From that moment on, people started writing me off, saying my campaign was falling apart, and how this race had finally turned a corner and become a four-way race.

What fools. Trust me folks. When a very respected Hamilton County household name like Joe Deters starts doing campaign commercials for me, you can bet the farm that people are going to show up at the polls and check my box in great numbers. Count on it. I know many of you are going to write that off. PLEASE DO.

If Joe Deters isn't enough, wait for Sunday's edition of the Enquirer. As long as they don't endorse McEwen (and they won't), I win. In fact, I hope they do endorse Brinkman or Schmidt. It will be hilarious. The folks in those camps are in for a HUGE letdown though. It'll be a wild rollercoaster ride. Enquirer endorses on Sunday, they split the consensus vote, and Viola! By Tuesday, I'm in Congress for 20 straight years, pinching the cute tushies of the interns and waiting for Father to kick the bucket so I can move into the Senate.

I leave you with two final thoughts:

First: You may THINK your candidate has a snowball's chance in hell. But does that make you any different from folks like Jeff Morgan, Tom Bemmes, and Steve Austin? TRUST ME, if you talk to them, they HONESTLY BELIEVE they have a chance to win, too. And of the eleven candidates in this race, ten of them are going to lose.

And now, this final, parting thought, until tomorrow. I'll sure miss that old tree in the front yard.

PACKING FOR D.C.

The Election Prognosticator

2005-06-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has come, dear readers, for newspapers, newsletters, blogs and radio talk show hosts to start making predictions about this race.

DeWine's Daily Dose is no different. After receiving the Becker Report Newsletter, the publisher makes a fool of himself by predicting that Tom Brinkman is going to win this race.

There is no way in the world Tom Brinkman is going to win this race. Let me tell you why:

The votes will be split in four ways:

1) DeWine voters
2) Anti-DeWine consensus voters (McEwen)
3) Anti-DeWine splinter groups
4) Also rans

The only thing that Brinkman and Jean Schmidt are going to accomplish in this race is to help vault me to victory. My own internal polls have both Brinkman and Schmidt running very good races with the limited resources they have access to. Both should be congratulated for their hard work and tireless efforts.

Unfortunately, they were fighting a very difficult uphill battle against Father. And Father worked so hard to get me into office that he scared the daylights out of the anti-me voters that they all went out and united behind the one candidate they think can beat me: Bob McEwen.

Sadly for you anti-DeWine voters, none of the candidates did the prudent thing and dropped out of the race. Instead, they decided to stick it out, and now, your worst nightmare is about to come true.

But don't take it from me. Take it from the Election Prognosticator.

The Cocky French Cowboy

2005-06-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

Every time I open the paper, there is another article about McEwen. Today there were no less than three.

The pressure being put on me by the Enquirer is enormous. Today they ran a story about how I had raised nearly half a million bucks in campaign contributions, nearly all of it from inside the Washington Beltway, while McEwen hasn't even raised half my total.

To make matters worse, his silly campaign manager West Farno is out there bragging, "We've got all the money we need."

Well, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

You don't have all the money you NEED, numbskull. You can always use more greenbacks, especially when you see the TV and radio onslaught coming at you this weekend, silly boy. And is that really your name? "West?" That's what the Enquirer said. Do you fancy yourself as some sort of "cowboy" gunslinger type? Do you wear cowboy boots around the campaign office, West? Well, do ya, punk?

OR is your name really Wes Farnot, the way the Whistleblower spelled it a while back? THAT name sounds sorta French-like. I'll bet that's it. You're probably some kinda "Frenchie."

If so, you'll have no trouble with this, Cowboy-Frenchie Farnot:

Oui, Oui, Monsieur McEwen!

Nous ne pas plus argent, Monsieur McEwen, mais Monsieur DeWine est si vicieux avec son souillé attaque publicité! Oui, monsieur!

The nerve of the McEwen camp to claim they don't need any more money makes me want to choke one of my interns. Everyone knows they are lying, but he's just acting cocky because he thinks he has a shot at winning this and he's trying to humiliate me.

Well, Monsieur Farnot, when this is all over, I will stand victorious with my foot on the chest of your candidate, laughing in the face of everyone who didn't think Father could pull it off.

I assure you, in addition to the multitude of people who actually will vote for me, I also have a plan for stuffing ballot boxes, making votes disappear, coopting the Enquirer endorsement, etc.

After all, didn't the Enquirer compare your candidate with Bill Clinton this morning? HAHAHAHAHA! I loved that one. The Enquirer is in my pocket, and there is nothing you can do about it, you little French Cowboy.

Next Update: Wednesday Morning.

2005-06-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

I desperately wanted to crank out another entry in my blog tonight after the forum in Lebanon, but I am just so exhausted from the constant action in this campaign. You common folk have no idea how tiring it is to have to sit through repeated conference calls with people who charge $450 an hour to tell me that I'm getting my shiny white buttocks kicked between my shoulder blades by some washed up has-been who hasn't raised half the cash I have.

So if you'll all forgive me, I'm going to retire to the bedroom with Betty and try to rest up for tomorrow's campaign schedule.

It's not easy being in attack mode.

2005-06-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I can't tell you how many emails I received the last two days when I didn't post anything new, and for that I do NOT apologize. You see, in a campaign like this where our internals have us down in the polls well beyond the margin of error, you only have two choices:

1) Concede the race and stop wasting money

or

2) Burn through every last red cent (and then some) by hiring idiot "consultants" who specialize in attacking the living daylights out of anyone ahead of you in the polls.

Naturally, I chose option #2. Because I'm a fighter. If I fight for you half as much as I have been fighting to stop my pathetic slide into third place, then you simply MUST vote for me.

So to answer the question on everyone's mind, YES. I have neglected this blog because I have been EXTREMELY busy working on a secret project called "McEwen Attack Strategy To Undercut Republican Bob At Tuesday's Election." For some reason, Shannon thinks we should change the name of the project, and she snickers at some inside joke every time I mention it, but I don't care. I like the name and so we're keeping it.

Just to show you that I'm not jerking around while I'm working on this project, I've whipped up a little something that I think you readers are going to like a lot. You see, I had this idea to make a FAKE blog and pretend that Bob McEwen wrote it himself. Except, Bob makes fun of himself and tells people to vote for me. It's SO funny. I already have the first page done. Check it out by clicking this link:

Bob's Brain Blog

On another note, did anyone catch that roly-poly doofus Minamyer's hilarious TV ad? Despite my recent poll standings, I busted out laughing so hard when I saw that ad that I actually peed my pants!

If you haven't seen it, let me describe it for you:

It looks eerily similar to those gruesome Iraqi terrorist hostage videos. Except I can't decide if Minamyer looks like a terrorist or a hostage. He's standing in front of a black curtain hanging in his garage, and it looks like he's reading from a cue card someone is holding up next to the cam-corder weilded by his cameraman/nephew.

When he speaks, you almost expect him to say:

"This is Eric Minamyer, and I have taken command of all radio and TV signals in your area. I will not relinquish control of your normal programming until you elect me as your King."

Eric, if you read this blog (and I know for a FACT that you do), please stop wasting your money on silly TV ads. It's really time to read the tea leaves and pick which side of this election your on. It's either me, or it's Bobby. Take your pick.

That's all folks, it's late and I have to get cracking on my "secret project."

But before I go, check out another McEwen Attack Ad we are mailing out in the next day or so...

Pat DeWine's New Attack Ad

From Fisticuffs to Fast Friends

2005-06-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

If any of you were wondering why I didn't show up at the CCV forum last night, let me explain.

I was driving up I-71 when I noticed another car in my rear view mirror. The car was tailgating me and the driver looked like the squinty-eyed and bespectacled cartoon character, Mr. Magoo.

I floored the accelerator - not only was I running late for the forum, but I wanted to see if Mr. Magoo had the guts to give chase.

He did.

I weaved in and out of traffic, and he followed.

I zigged. He zagged.

I went from the fast lane on the left over to the Kenwood exit ramp so suddenly that I cut off an 18-wheeler and he had to lock up his brakes. Mr. Magoo couldn't follow me, so he locked up his own brakes, stopped traffic, and cut across once the semi got out of his way. By that time I had a lead of about 100 yards, but the traffic light stopped me.

I sat there, pounding my steering wheel and checking my rear view mirror. There he was, picking up speed and barreling right for me! The light changed. The car in front of me started to roll, and I with it. Mr. Magoo was closing on me.

I swerved into the right lane and Magoo followed, but we had no choice but to exit at Kenwood Mall. I floored it through the parking lot and parked in a handicapped slot, jumped out of the car and sprinted toward the entrance near the Cheesecake Factory. Who was this crazy man? An assassin sent by McEwen? Not likely. I looked over my shoulder and Magoo was exiting his own car.

A car screeched to a halt in front of me, gently clipping me and forcing me to lean on the hood as I jumped up and around the fender, still looking back at Mr. Magoo. Then I recognized him...

It was Steve Austin! What the...? Was he trying to kill me? He wasn't running, but the look on his face reminded me of "Agent Smith" from the Matrix as he walked methodically towards me.

I stood my ground as he approached. "What's the meaning of this?" I demanded to know.

He said nothing, but kept closing the gap. I braced for combat. This puny wimp didn't scare me.

Suddenly, he started dashing towards me and lept into the air, launching into an amazing flurry of kicks before he landed. My arms were able to deflect most of the blows, but the sheer force knocked me backward. I counterpunched, and he blocked. He threw an uppercut, which I caught with my left hand. I landed a kick on his ribs and he reeled, but recovered in time to kick me back. Fists and feet were flying in a flurry of pugilistic artistry. He backed me up against the entrance door, and I ducked inside to catch my breath. He picked up a trash can and threw it at me. I gave more ground. I fought a defensive battle going backwards up the wheelchair ramp and before long, we were slugging it out next to Godiva Chocolates.

I was getting tired. So was he. The punches and kicks started to slow, and they seemed less forceful. Austin closed on me. By now, we were just outside Victoria's Secret and a large poster caught my wandering eye.

Austin seized the moment and tackled me. We wrestled on the ground, grappling at one another. Austin grabbed my sportcoat and twisted it in his hands, stretching the fabric and pinning my arms to my sides. He rolled me onto my stomach and put me in the sleeper hold. I could feel blackness closing in on me... with one last, desperate act, I reached backward and grabbed his crotch, squeezing for all I was worth.

His voice seemed to have a higher pitch as he screamed in agony, but he just pressed the sleeper hold even harder. My grip on his crotch loosened, and everything went black...

_______________________

I woke in a Shiatsu Massage Chair at The Sharper Image. Austin was nowhere to be found. I ached all over and my clothes were soaked with sweat, blood and grime from the mall floor. They were wrinkled beyond repair. I checked my watch. It was 7:09pm. The CCV forum had already started! OH NO!

I reached for my Blackberry to call Shannon when I noticed a note in my lap. It read:

Mr. DeWine:

I am better than you. I proved that tonight. So despite the fact that the Anderson GOP rated both of us "Not Qualified" to replace Rob Portman in Congress, at least I have the satisfaction that I can whip your butt anytime I so choose. Such knowledge is important to me, for I come from a family with a long, warrior tradition. Although I may have lost this primary election, along with you, I can take pride in the fact that I bested you mano-a-mano in hand-to-hand combat.

I do not hold a grudge. I extend my hand in friendship to you. I have reserved a table at the Cheesecake Factory and hope you will join me for a slice of White-Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake.

Sincerely,

Steve Austin

I pried myself from the Shiatsu chair and called Shannon on the Blackberry.

"Where are you?" She demanded.

"I'm not going to the debate after all. Pack it in. We aren't going to score points at a family values forum anyway. Let's just focus all of our resources on the concensus 'anti-DeWine' candidate."

"What am I supposed to tell the media?" She asked, irritating me once again. It seems like I have to think of everything. If she only knew that the poll to fire her was running 60-40% in favor of kicking her to the curb, she might try harder.

"I don't know. Tell them the event is biased because Burress already endorsed McEwen," I said in a rather unpleasant tone.

"But everyone will know that's just a load of crap. Burress has nothing to do with this event and CCV isn't endorsing anyone."

"Just do it!" I screamed, then hung up the phone.

I walked to the Cheesecake Factory and found Austin, plowing through his slice of Raspberry Truffle. He wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin and stood to shake my hand.

"Now isn't eating a slice of cheesecake better than sweating like a whore in church at a forum where you wouldn't win a single vote anyway?"

"Let me see," I replied, then slid the first bite into my crooked mouth. My palate was treated to a delightful sensation as I swallowed the creamy confection. "Yes, Mr. Austin, this is better. Screw Citizens for Community Values."

"Screw this election," said my new friend.

I spent the rest of the night trying to get an endorsement out of him.

The Fate of Shannon Faulkner Jones

2005-06-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

Allrighty folks, here's the situation... After Wednesday's "Ambush in Anderson" I have become something of a basket-case. I've posted a lot of new material, including the Jean Schmidt attack ad, so be sure to scroll down through all the recent posts, you may have missed something important.

For those of you who are up to speed, you probably know that Shannon Faulkner Jones has steered my campaign so far off course that I don't see how I can win anymore. I have been toying with the idea of firing her, but with just 11 days remaining in this race, I'm just not sure what to do. Perhaps you can help...

Please note, unless you are a great computer haXXor (like me), you can probably only vote once per household/internet connection. That means my cronies at KMK Law will only get to cast a single vote for the entire firm, because the same IP address cannot vote twice. This is to prevent ballot stuffing, which, of course, my campaign has a special expertise.

Check back soon to find out what I've decided to do...

Things are getting really ugly around here.

2005-06-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, beloved readers, even Betty isn't looking that good to me right now. In today's campaign meeting, I secretly imagined both my hands around Shannon's throat as she tried to tell me that we weren't going to win this campaign unless we pull out all the stops. Her days here really are numbered. Maybe over the weekend I'll fire her when nobody pays attention to the news.

The big fight today revolved around the issue of going negative on McEwen. Some of my staff walked out over that issue last night, but I didn't need them anyway. I have plenty of folks from Father's Columbus office that he forces to work here. I'm sure it won't be hard to get a few more.

So, for the most part, the staff agrees that going negative makes me look like a disgusting slimebag, no different from John Dowlin in last year's race. But on the other hand, the staff also agrees that since I already am a disgusting slimebag, I really have nothing to lose.

So everything appeared to be settled when one of my spies reported that there was a new attack ad coming out on Jean Schmidt. As the official Pat DeWine blog, I hereby proclaim that I am not behind this horrible attack ad (as far as you know).

Once we listened to the attack ad, a whole new argument started up.

Shannon: We can't promote this ad because it will hurt Jean Schmidt, and right now, she's the only person taking votes away from McEwen, though I have NO IDEA WHY.

Me: She isn't taking votes away from McEwen! She's taking them away from me! No self-respecting conservative would ever vote for Schmidt after she voted for Bob "Pseudo-Conservative" Taft's tax hike.

Her character is exactly like mine - she lies about everyone, uses Portman's picture on her web site even though he told her to take it down, and even made up a pathetic lie about McEwen just to stall the Right-to-Life endorsement of McEwen for a few days, which is why they were forced to go back and re-vote when they learned it was just a bunch of crap spewing from Jean's mouth. I say we play the ad and destroy that feminazi poser! Honestly, as much as I hate McEwen's guts, I would rather see him in office than a tax-raising feminist who tells stupid stories about growing up on a farm.

CUE BORING DOCUMENTARY VOICEOVER: Hello... I'm Jean Schmidt... As a little girl growing up on a farm in Ohio... I learned the value of raising taxes... my father told me... that I should use wrinkle cream because some day the Democrats might start taxing wrinkles... and since I couldn't possibly afford such a tax... I decided to support Bob "Pseudo-Conservative" Taft's tax hike so that our Ohio government wouldn't NEED to implement a wrinkle tax.

Man she is awful to listen to. She has ZERO speaking skills. They are as bad as mine, except she doesn't have the fake Boston accent.

No Mercy at Mercy Healthplex

2005-06-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

After last night's live blog entry nightmare, I woke this morning in a better mood, only to have my wounds reopened by Howard "mullet-head" Wilkinson. You know, Howie, just because you've been covering politics for 30 years doesn't mean you are allowed to wear a mullet. And judging from your own coke-bottle lens glasses, I'd say you and Charles Foster Kane were seperated at birth.

Last night, Mullet-head tried to corner me. He said, "Hey, Coldneck, will you give me a statement for tomorrow's story?"

I said, "What did you call me?"

"Coldneck," came Mullet-head's reply. Apparently he looks down upon anyone who doesn't have a mullet. "Now drop that newly-acquired and totally fake Boston accent and answer some questions, Coldneck."

I walked away.

Anyway, back to this morning. I opened the paper to this headline from Mullet-head:

Anderson GOP gives top rating to pair

Again, I called Shannon to demand that Father's slave-laborer/Official Censor begin redacting this story.

Shannon replied, "He didn't come in to work today."

"What?"

"He didn't come in today," came her reply. She sounded almost ashamed.

"WHAT???" I screamed, "FIRE THAT IDIOT AS SOON AS HE WALKS IN!!!"

Shannon said, "I can't, Pat. He quit. Lots of people quit last night."

"WHAT??? Why?"

"It's over, Pat. We aren't winning this race, we are in third place. And quite frankly, there isn't much you have to offer that will help us get in front."

I thought quietly to myself, then slowly hung up the phone without saying goodbye. I was momentarily stunned, but then my mind started racing. Should I fire Shannon?

Something to think about.

Live from My Personal Hell

2005-06-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

As promised, I am here typing on my Blackberry as the opening statements are given by the GOP candidates. This entry will be terse, as I simply don't have much time to type my impressions as this event unfolds. Please bear with me.

7:16pm, the first candidate, Jeff Morgan, gets up to speak. His wife is kind of hot, in a quiet, shy sort of way. I love that floor length skirt she wears... and his son! What a fine boy. If only he would smile. Clearly the kid isn't ready for prime time. Morgan says he's never had a photo op in his whole life. Perhaps that's why no one from his family knows how to smile.

7:24PM - Pete Fossett takes the podium, says his mother is in the crowd, then refuses to introduce her. She must be hideous. Wait a minute... in the back of the room, as Pete Fossett is at the podium, stands another Pete Fossett. This is weird. Must be his twin brother or something. Either way, they both look like someone squished their heads sideways and then lopped off the top.

And Pete, please spare us your list of "Five Core Conservative Values." I've never heard anything so boring in all my life. In case you hadn't noticed, we all CLAIM to be conservative. So far, I'm bored to tears.

7:30PM - Steve Austin takes the stand. He obviously reads this blog. He took my advice from last time and actually said more than he should have. Sorry Steve-O, but I just can't waste any more of my precious blog space on your pathetic candidacy. At least he yielded the balance of his time to the Gentleman from Hillsboro.

7:31PM - Bob McEwen proceeds to ramble for six straight minutes until Willie mercifully cuts him off. It seemed like he had a point, but I fell asleep between Ways and Means and Appropriations. Poor Bob. If he only knew what was coming.

7:37PM - Tom Brinkman vaults to the podium to a smattering of applause from Anderson's most faithful. Tommy-Boy touts himself as 100% Pure Angry White Man. All I can remember is he is 100% in favor of something. Hey Tom, are you constipated or something? What are you always so pissed off? Lighten up, Francis. Or should we call you "Psycho?" I think that's Tom's new name. "Psycho" Brinkman.

7:42 - Gotta go. I'm up in just a moment. You guys are gonna love this... be back in a second...

Um. Okay. Hmm. That didn't go well. I used the first two minutes of my time to publicly admit that I had an affair behind my wife's back, then took the next four minutes to tar and feather Bob McEwen. I literally coated him with feathers to the point he looked like a giant oozing chicken. I saw his wife sitting there in the front row gritting her teeth. For a moment I thought she might jump over the podium. I wish she would have, because it would have made for a better ending.

I just don't understand why the crowd actually booed and hissed at me. I want to crawl into a hole right now.

I can't even write anymore. This is horrible. It's just horrible. The dynamics of this race seemed to change in just the time I had to speak. And it is now becoming all too apparent that I'm no longer the front runner in this race. It's all too much to bear right now.

Oh ~~Karen~~ Betty. I miss you so much right now. I need you to hold me.

Okay... I think I've pulled myself together. It's been a very rough night so far.

Unfortunately, I may have to fire Shannon Faulkner Jones. She has somehow steered this campaign straight into the mud. For the next two weeks, it seems we are going to have to go negative on McEwen. I just don't see any other way to be a factor here. I certainly can't be positive.

My ONLY issue is that I'm a "budget slasher" and a "cost-cutter." I cannot, with any credibility whatsoever, lay claim to the social issues. This candidacy is DOOMED, but I can't give up now.

Note to self: Ask Father's consultants if attacking McEwen for the next 12 days is a good idea or a bad idea. I'm worried that, as the "front runner" in this race, if I start attacking McEwen, he might suddenly have the name-recognition advantage, he might be viewed as the front-runner, etc.

Well, It's now 8:45 and McEwen has taken a baseball bat to all of my criticisms and pounded them to a bloody pulp. So much for those issues. I guess it's time to dig up some new dirt.

Oh. OH! The agony. These idiot Andersonians are actually applauding McEwen and cheering for him! Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!! CURSE YOU BOB MCEWEN! CURSE YOU!

8:50PM - Eric Minamyer takes the podium. My last, best hope. In Scioto County he flayed Bob (and me). Here's hoping he lobs a few more mud grenades at him. Don't let me down, Mini-Me. Come on, stop answering the questions and attack. ATTACK!

Oh the agony. This is hell for me. I am so miserable that as soon as Russ Jackson shuts his pie hole, I'm outa here. I can't let Wilkinson corner me...

9:36PM - Shannon calls me with the results of the straw poll. I tied with Steve Austin. Both of us were rated as "Not Qualified" by these idiots. And McEwen and Brinkman were rated as "Highly Qualified."

I need some olive dip.

Any publicity is good publicity.

2005-06-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

I overslept this morning because Betty was just insatiable last night. I don't know why, but after I returned from Scioto County around midnight, she said I smelled "irresistable." Perhaps it was the pheromones from the sweat which was pouring off me during the debate in that miserable room, or maybe just the country-bumpkin scent which rubbed off on me from the drunk old man that wouldn’t leave me alone when it was over. He kept calling me “Mike” and “Senator” though, so when no one was looking, I pushed him into the custodial closet of the municipal building. I don’t know why the Scioto County GOP insists on holding their events in the same building as an NA/AA group, but the 12-step program wasn’t working for this guy. I suppose he’s still in there.

I’ll be the first to admit that my performance was again off, especially when I started droning and stammering through an answer about election reform. If you can’t tell, I get really nervous in public, almost to the point of paranoia that someone is going to bash me in the face with a whipped cream pie.

But last night, the whipped cream didn’t come into play until after I got home, and that’s why I’m so exhausted. So while I started the day tired but in high spirits, imagine my chagrin when I cracked open the Enquirer and saw this headline:

Dewine's Name Helps - and Hurts

I immediately called Shannon and told her to get the staff working on a censored copy of the story. I always use any media attention to my advantage, regardless of the content. Our army of paid “volunteers” on loan from Father can churn out reams of “re-engineered” news stories that would make the old Soviet TASS News Agency seem rather benign.

Let me give you an example in the form of the redacted version of today’s story in the Enquirer, which we will be circulating in our next irritating mailer:

DeWine's name helps - and hurts

A long political tradition, but also whispers

By Howard Wilkinson
Enquirer Staff Writer

When Pat DeWine entered the race for the 2nd Congressional District in April, the family name alone made him the front-runner.
But as the Hamilton County commissioner has discovered during the campaign, with the DeWine name came ~~whispers. And the DeWine name can close as~~ many doors ~~as it can~~ open.
On one hand, it provided the 35-year-old Republican with instant and almost universal name recognition, even in the far eastern reaches of a district that spans half of southern Ohio. It gave him ready access to the deep-pocket campaign contributors in Washington and all over Ohio who have for decades fueled the campaigns of his father~~,U.S. Sen. Mike DeWine~~.

~~The name became something of a curse last week, when his father, the senior senator from Ohio, became part of a bipartisan group of centrist senators who brokered a deal on judicial filibusters.~~

~~That move angered~~many conservative Republicans nationwide and in the 2nd District~~, despite the younger DeWine's repeated statements that he did not~~ agree with his father's actions.
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,'' said Boyd Piper Jr., a Republican voter from Clermont County.
Piper ~~was so upset with Sen. DeWine's action that he~~ printed a bumper sticker for his car: "1DeWine in Congress ~~is 1 too many~~.''

~~But the other part of the "curse'' is of the congressional candidate's own doing.~~
Three years ago, Pat DeWine ~~left his wife shortly before their third child was born and~~ began a relationship with Betty Hull, a Republican political activist and lobbyist. ~~The marriage ended in divorce;~~ DeWine and Hull are still together.
She accompanied him on a bus tour of the 2nd District in late March, just as the congressional campaign was beginning ~~but has not been seen on the campaign trail of late~~.

DeWine~~'s divorce~~ might also explain why one of his principal opponents, Jean Schmidt, almost always mentions in campaign speeches that she has been married to the same man for 29 years. Or why another GOP candidate, former congressman Bob McEwen, never fails to introduce his wife, Liz, mention their four children and tell voters that he and his wife travel the United States and Canada as Family Life Marriage Conference speakers.

In a very conservative, very Republican district, where voters who consider "traditional family values'' a core requirement for anyone seeking their vote, DeWine's personal troubles ~~do not sit well~~.
Monday morning, as the 53rd annual Blue Ash Memorial Day Parade wound its way down Kenwood Road in a steady rain, DeWine was among a host of congressional candidates greeting parade-goers along the route.

As DeWine passed by in his rain-soaked shirt, Mary Lynn Birck of Union Township stood under an umbrella and shook her head in ~~dis~~approval.
"I can't support him,'' Birck said as her husband, John Nordmeyer, nodded in agreement. "I am ~~not~~ the kind of person who looks at someone in public life and makes judgments about them ~~on what they might have done 20 years ago. But this crosses the line. You have to wonder about someone who would leave his wife and children~~.''

Her husband agreed. "I ~~know I wouldn't~~ want to hear anything he has to say about family values,'' Nordmeyer said.
For his part, DeWine acknowledges the problems in his personal life but asks voters to judge him on his public record as a Cincinnati councilman and county commissioner.

"It's no secret that ~~we went through a difficult divorce,'' he said in a recent interview. "I made mistakes in my marriage, and~~ I take my share of ~~the~~ responsibility.
~~"We have three kids, and I am doing the best I can for them. I've decided not to talk about it beyond that.''~~

This would not be the first campaign in which DeWine's personal life has become an issue. In last year's GOP primary for Hamilton County commissioner, incumbent John Dowlin ran a 30-second ad against DeWine, accusing him of changing his vote on tax breaks for Convergys Corp. after the company hired the woman for whom he left his wife. The commercial seemed to backfire, however, as party leaders and the rank and file alike criticized it as going too far. DeWine trounced Dowlin in the primary and went on to win his ~~commission~~ seat.
The 2nd Congressional District extends east into conservative areas, where local officials are fighting to place monuments to the Ten Commandments outside schools.

John Becker of Clermont County, a GOP state central committee member who represents much of the 2nd District, said, "The farther east you go in the district, the more of an issue Pat's personal life becomes.''
"It's something of a whisper campaign,'' said Becker, who is backing state Rep. Tom Brinkman Jr. in the GOP primary. "But for a lot of these people, 'family values' is the number one issue. And these people are what I call 'broken-glass Republicans.' they'll crawl over broken glass to get to the polls. You can be sure they'll vote.''

Phil Burress, the founder of Citizens for Community Values (CCV), is backing ~~McEwen in this election but said he thinks that~~ DeWine's personal life ~~should not be an issue~~.
"~~I know the talk is out there, but I don't know the truth. If~~ I went out and told people ~~not~~ to vote for Pat DeWine because of his personal life ~~, I would just be another person out there spreading rumors~~.''
~~But~~ Burress has no problem with ~~going after the elder~~ DeWine over his participation in ~~the judicial filibuster compromise; and the fallout from that could damage the younger DeWine in~~ his campaign.

CCV and the Family Research Council bought ads on Ohio radio stations, including many in the 2nd District, asking voters to call ~~Sen.~~ DeWine's office and tell him of their ~~dis~~approval of his actions.
Last week, Pat DeWine tried to make it clear that he was not in lock step with his father, while acknowledging his father's considerable help in raising money for his congressional campaign.

~~"I would not have voted the way he did,'' DeWine told The Enquirer. "If someone is appointed to the federal bench, he or she deserves an up-or-down vote in the Senate.''~~

Sen. DeWine, who is up for re-election next year, said he is not at all surprised that his son disagrees with his action.
"Pat has his own mind; he thinks for himself. If people are upset with what I did, they can take it out on me next year."

_____________________________________

You see folks, fooling a bunch of idiot voters not unlike yourself is child's play.

Now, as for the charges in today's Blower, let me just say that I locked myself in a room all day yesterday with a public speaking coach (as far as Betty knows). But after last night's dismal performance, I had to fire her (after another "coaching" session - boy was she furious when I told her to get lost).

To make it up to my faithful readers for not posting an entry on Tuesday, I'm going to give my faithful readers a "twofer" and post in near real time during tonight's Ambush in Anderson. That's right, when I'm not speaking, I'll be hammering away on my Blackberry, posting my impressions from the event almost as they happen.

This is Pat DeWine, signing off, until the Ambush. See you there.

The Clone of Pat DeWine - Brought to you by "The Also-Rans."

2005-05-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

Rolled out of bed this morning and headed to the bathtub for my morning soak. My eyes were still half shut as I unscrewed the lid to my cucumber-and-mint bubble bath and poured in a healthy dollop. I grabbed my rubber ducky and a long-handled scrub brush and slid into the bubbly depths.

The warmth was invigorating and reassuring as I sat there thinking about the dreary day ahead. The rain was coming down in sheets and in just a few hours I had to go out and actually talk to people along the Memorial Day parade route. I wasn't looking forward to it. Hopefully we didn't waste much money on candy for the kids. I told Shannon to order Mike MacNamara to sweep up any leftover candy lying on the road after one parade so we could use it at the next.

Betty sauntered in wearing her "Uncle Sam" teddy (don't ask) and handed me the morning poll numbers from Shannon. Not good. Our lead in the polls has started to slip. McEwen has been gaining on me for some reason. Thank goodness for the vote splitters. Brinkman and Schmidt are siphoning off some of McEwen's pro-fetus religious fanatic vote. Can you believe people's emotions over a lifeless lump of flesh is going to propel me into office? Thank God for fetus-lovers. In the race for last place, it's The Also-Rans holding a commanding lead over poor Steve Austin who's pulling in a respectable 0.001%.

Sorry Steve, but you really should open your eyes (if you can) and smell the coffee. You stink. You are sucking up oxygen at these forums that could be used to ask more questions of the candidates that actually have a shot at this.

Of course, I don't mind a bit. The less time I have to spend in front of people, the easier it is to fool them.

But enough about the "Also-Rans." Let's talk about the future.

Do you people really understand what is at stake on June 14th? Do you honestly understand the full ramifications of the GOP Primary?

If I win on June 14th, my future and yours will become so inextricably intertwined that you will NEVER get rid of me in your lifetime. Think about it:

The winner of the GOP primary will, in all likelihood, win the general election on August 2nd. And THAT election will seal our fate for the next 20 years. I am young enough and have enough name recognition that I will be unbeatable in this seat for the next 10 election cycles. That's 20 years as your representative. In fact, the ONLY thing that will get me to leave office is when Father retires from the Senate. At that point, I will campaign for his seat, using his last name and political capital, and I am a virtual shoe-in. At least six years in the Senate, and most likely 18, 24, or even 30 years. Imagine! At least fifty years of Pat DeWine! Fifty years worth of speeches in front of your YR and CR groups. Fifty years of me strolling into your committee meetings to grace you with my presence. What an awesome thought!

You read it here first. I, Pat DeWine, will be the next Strom Thurmond. Thanks to medical advances, I'll be at least 120 years old when they wheel my cold, lifeless body from the Senate floor. And that's at the LOW end. Chances are, sometime in the next 50 years, the Senate will pass a bill making it legal for The Clone of Pat DeWine to hold office when I die. And all this because a handful of wannabes fooled themselves into thinking 2% of the vote was enough to win. They entered this race on principle, and ended up making victorious the very thing they sought to defeat! Here's hoping not a single one of them have any sense of statesmanship.

And that's what kept me warm inside as I got out of the bath, dried off, rubbed on some cucumber-and-mint scented lotion (with moisturizers!) on my white, hairless bird-legs, and pulled on my pants for today's parade.

What a glorious, rainy day.

Oh, I almost forgot! Thanks for nothing, Hartmann. Did Bronson promise to pimp your candidacy in a puff piece or something?

HaXXoring the \/\/HI5TL3BL0\/\/3R

2005-05-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

This may come as a shock to some of you, but aside from being a philandering RINO politician, I like to dabble a bit in computer hacking (or HaXXoring) as we computer haXXoring geeks like to say.

And so, after a number of more juvenile pranks like infiltrating the Citizens for Community Values computer network and spamming them with bizarre pornographic images, I decided to haXXor into the email server of the Whistleblower. Here are actual emails from actual people who corresponded with the Whistleblower this past week:

____________________________________

RECIEVED 8:49PM

Dear Charles Foster Kane:

I just thought you'd like to know who's behind the DeWine's Daily Dose website. I was galavanting through the Cincinnati Enquirer building late one night looking for some attention from the reporters on the graveyard shift when I found an interesting memo left carelessly on the desk of Howard Wilkinson. I quickly copied it and replaced it on the desk... here is an excerpt:

"My inquiry is nearly complete. I will meet you on the 7th floor of the parking garage of the Enquirer Bldg. on 3rd street tomorrow night. At that time I will provide you with an envelope proving that XXX XXXXXX is behind the Daily Dose web site. The publisher has used at least nine different computers, spoofed IP addresses, packet redirect technology, cut-out email accounts, dead drops, remote HTML and PHP coding uploads, two computer servers belonging to an Ohio-based contractor who does work for the United States Senate, and no less than three military-grade encryption schemes in order to protect his identity. He's clearly very well connected to someone at the highest levels of the US government.

As you know, I have a federal judgeship on the line here. We MUST expose this perpetrator before he loses the election for us!

I will be near the corner window overlooking the bridge to the south and the brick wall to the east. 7pm Sharp. Bring cash.

Sincerely,

Mike Barrett"

So, Mr. Kane. Does such a memo intrigue you? If so, meet me tonight (unarmed) at 11pm at the corner of Vine and East Clifton in Over-the-Rhine. Wear a t-shirt that says "Proud Member of the KKK" emblazoned on the front so that I will recognize you.

Sincerely,

Nate Livingston

________________________________________

RECIEVED 9:14PM

Chuck:

Had a great time dancing with you last night. I had no idea you could Tango, nor speak French! You are far more limber than I would have expected. I'm sorry that my husband cut in, but my sister tells me she filled in admirably. Perhaps next week, say after the CCV forum, we could try swing dancing?

Truly yours,

Jean

P.S. I attached some photos from my digital camera of the DeWine signs that we trashed, and one of you on the dance floor! It's great. Can I use it on my official campaign site? If you say no, I'll probably do it anyway. Portman never gave me permission, but that didn't stop me!

SENT 9:34PM

Dear Jean,

I got your wonderful note. Yes, many people are quite surprised that I know how to "cut-a-rug." I don't have the grace of Nuryev, I'm more like a Patrick Swayze or a John Travolta.

By the way, thanks for the new pics of the DeWine signs. I can't believe you actually went out at 2am wearing black clothes and face paint. I wonder what the people thought when they went outside and saw their signs upside down?

That's all for now. I'm sorry that you aren't going to win. I could tell when you told me last night that you were upset by the latest poll numbers. Fourth place behind Brinkman in third isn't bad though. You should be proud.

By the way, I eagerly accept your invitation to go "swing dancing." I may not look it, but this round body can really move to the beat when the mood strikes me.

Cheerio,

CFK

_________________________________________

RECIEVED 10:02PM

Dear Disgusting Fatbody Bigot:

I am not fat, nor am I a floozie (and I'm BARELY black). Keep it up, and I'll smash your coke-bottle glasses and wrap your comic-book tie around your head to choke you like Princess Leia choked Jabba the Hutt.

Sincerely,

Betty Hull

_________________________________________

RECIEVED 10:09PM

Dear Mr. Kane,

Thank you for your recent email to Senator DeWine. Do to the unusually high volume of hate mail we recieved this week, there is a possibility this will be the only time you hear from Senator DeWine on this issue. Please note that Senator DeWine now has a new email address that was set up specifically to address the surge of attention he has started to get. The new email address is hatemail.dewine@rino.com

Again, thank you for your correspondence.

Senator Mike DeWine's Autoresponder

_________________________________________

RECIEVED 10:11PM

Chuck:

As you know, the Viagra you are taking has recently been attributed to blindness in men. When I heard the news, I immediately thought of you and that industrial strength eyeglass prescription you have. With your permission, I would like to forward your medical history to an attorney who specializes in suing pharmaceutical companies, I believe you might be able to get some serious hush-money from Pfizer.

Sincerely,

Dr. Tim Rosenthal
Rosenthal Optometry and Urology
"You can't pee straight if you can't see straight!"
www.pstraightcstraight.com

__________________________________________

SENT 10:28PM

Dear KMK Law, PLL

I know that I have been hounding you relentlessly over the past many months. However, I recently learned I may be losing my eyesight do to taking excessive quantities of Viagra, and I believe your firm would be the best choice to handle my case. I would like to discuss my case with a competent attorney on your firm. I suppose any one will do with the exception of Pat DeWine.

Sincerely,

Charles Foster Kane

__________________________________________

RECEIVED 10:29PM

Dear Mr. Kane,

As a young and eager attorney for KMK Law, I am ready to serve you. Despite my appearance, I am not related to Pat DeWine in any way. http://www.kmklaw.com/attorneys_bio.aspx?id=20

Sincerely,

Matt Buck
KMK Law

__________________________________________

SENT 10:34PM

Dear Matt,

Er... nevermind. The appearance is just too similar.

Charles Kane

__________________________________________

SENT 10:56PM

Tom:

I keep hearing these nasty rumors that you are getting out of the race. If you do, you promised me I would get the exclusive on who you're going to endorse. Don't screw me over, Tommy-boy, or I'll be forced to send the contents of "The Envelope" to Pete Bronson at the Enquirer.

Sincerely,

CFK

__________________________________________

RECIEVED 11:14PM

Charlie:

What envelope?

-TB

__________________________________________

SENT 11:19PM

The one marked "Grand Victoria Cincinnati"! Don't play dumb with me, Thomas, or I'll smear you like Dowlin did to DeWine, only mine will actually be effective.

__________________________________________

RECIEVED 11:24PM

Don't threaten me, Kane. I OWN YOU! I'll have those Blue Chip Republicans pull the plug on your operation!

__________________________________________

RECIEVED 11:32PM

Dear Mr. Kane,

It is quite late and past my bedtime, but I wanted to take a moment and respond to your recent email entitled, "Why are you still in this race?"

The answer is simple. I have been visiting a very inspirational web site lately, and found it reinvigorates my spirit every time I go there. When I look at the poll numbers in this race and realize that I'm not even pulling enough support to register as a full tenth of a percent, you can imagine how depressing that gets. It's at times like these that I visit my secret little web site, and I always spend about 10 minutes there at a minimum. When I leave, I feel like I am truly "King of the World!"

So, here is my secret. Please don't share it with my opponents: www.zombo.com.

And no, I'm not Jewish. That's actually just a bald spot, not a yarmulke. When writing my profile for your "Election Special," just put my religion down as "Other."

Sincerely,

David R. Smith

___________________________________________

So, dear readers, as you can see, "haXXoring" can be fun and profitable. It roXXors! But getting haXXored really suXXors! Until next time, this is Pat DeWine, signing off.

How RINO's get elected...

2005-05-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

Yes ladies and gentleman, I thought I would give all those rookie candidates out there a lesson in how to get elected as a conservative, even if you might not be one. It's called "Running to the Right," a move which has been perfected by Hillary Clinton as of late. But I'm no slouch at this either. Witnesseth:

DeWine says dad was wrong about judicial filibusters

Funny Quote from 2004

2005-05-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

"This sounds like a cliched answer, but it's true. I try to focus on what I'm doing. One thing I learned from my father, you see the people who spend their whole life trying to get somewhere else, I think that's a miserable existence."
-Pat DeWine, Interview in Cincinnati Magazine, June 2004

Yeah, I said it. So what. The whole article was a big puff piece. The reporter, Tom O'Neill, is just another schill on the list of easily manipulated journalists who like to listen to themselves think out loud. Here's how that quote came about:

O'Neill first quotes my old cross-country coach:

"I used to kid him about his father being highly respected and in the upper levels of the US government," he says. "I used to say 'Pat, with you and your father, I figure down the road I'll get the invitation to the White House, first with your father, then you.'"

That cracks up DeWine, the oldest child of US Senator Mike and Fran DeWine. "I do remember that," he says, on the phone from his downtown law office at Keating Muething & Klekamp PLL.

Wow. That is some lousy journalism. The White House? Please. Not after what my RINO father did with the "Gang of Fourteen." And the bad news is, the fruit doesn't fall very far from the tree. Surely the fact that I talk the talk isn't enough to overcome the fact that I don't walk the walk... I admit it. I'm a RINO.

And that quote from last June about how I "focus on what I'm doing" and how I think it's a miserable existence always trying to get somewhere else? Who could have predicted that I would serve as Commissioner for only a few months before announcing that I was seeking yet another office?

Pat Answers Hate Mail

2005-05-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Pat:

I think you are a dirty rotten scumbag for leaving your wife and living in sin with another woman.

Sincerely,

Martha LaBelle
2554 E. Kemper
Cincinnati, OH

Dear Martha:

I'm sorry you feel that way, but if I want your opinion, it must be because you donated the maximum to my campaign (last time I checked, you had not).

If you were in my shoes, I'm confident you would feel differently. I see nothing wrong with having an extra-marital relationship as long as you feel your mistress is more attractive than your spouse. The key is that we as human beings must always strive to make ourselves better. In my opinion, it's only cheating if you hook up with someone less attractive than your spouse. As long as the new hottie is equal or better, you're in the clear. In the case of Karen vs. Betty, I'm upwardly mobile. Sure, Karen DeWine was attractive and she makes some yummy Olive Dip, but she just didn't have that exotic "flavor" that Betty brings to the table. So I gave up Karen because I like variety. Tell me something, Martha. When you go to Dairy Queen, or Graeters, or Maggie Moo's, do you always order the same flavor of ice cream? I don't. Sometimes I get the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and sometimes I like Double Chocolate Fudge. Betty understands that, and sometimes she even lets me mix a little cookie dough in with my double chocolate fudge, if you know what I mean.

So, in this case, I traded in my wife for a woman I think is better. It's the same with the Commissioner's job - I want to trade up for a job in Congress. Get it? Good. Now please don't forget to vote for me on June 14th.

Very truly yours,
Pat

________________________________________________

Dear Pat:

Your performance at the forum in Sharonville was awesome. But only if you consider delivering a mundane opening statement followed by several uninspiring answers "awesome."

Have a nice day you philandering scumbag,

Timothy Dennison
991 Terwilliger Run
Mason, OH

Dear Timmy:

Right now I'm parked in your driveway typing this, piggybacking off your own unsecured wireless network. Too bad you didn't pull the Lexus into the garage tonight, moron. Next time lock your car doors. Especially when your future Congressman is lurking in the shadows with a bladder full of Red Bull Energy Drink.

You might want to put a towel down on the driver's seat and buy some Lysol before driving to work tomorrow, sucker.

Love,
Pat

______________________________________

Dear Pat,

Thank you for your interest in Cayhill Bus Charter Company. Unfortunately, our company is owned by a God-fearing man who believes that adultery is a sin. As a result, Cayhill Bus Charter cannot associate itself with your campaign at this time because we do not endorse philandering scumbags who ride their daddy's coattails into office.

Sincerely,

Roger Miller
Cayhill Bus Charters, Inc.
Booking Manager

Dear Roger:

No matter. The bus tours were a huge flop anyway. Nobody in Scioto, Brown, Pike, Adams or even eastern Clermont is going to vote for me. This whole race comes down to Hamilton County.

Enclosed please find a tissue that I just used to pick my nose. Be sure to pass it to your boss and tell him it's from me.

Sincerely,
Pat

__________________________________________

Dear Pat,

If we lose this race, my Senate career, and thus, our entire political legacy is in jeopardy. If that happens, I will order one of my loyal staffers to gouge out your eyeballs with her thumbs. Do you realize how much political capital I have expended just so you can trail in the polls by a 3-1 margin? If you don't win, we're finished! Finished I say!

Get your act together, you philandering scumbag son of mine!

Sincerely,

Father

Dear Father,

Thank you for the cheerful greetings you sent. As you know, our downfall is actually twofold:

1) My inability to be likeable.
2) Your inability to be a true conservative.

Conservatives in Ohio hate us for many reasons, and not all of them are my fault. Now get back to the Senate floor and see if Harry Reid will let you pull a "Jumpin'" Jim Jeffords. If you can convince Georgie V. and five others to jump, you can be in the majority again! You know, that's not a bad idea. Maybe I should have run as a liberal, since we share the same family values. But I digress.

Love,
Pat

Sizing up the Competition

2005-05-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning and things were almost back to normal. Betty was at my side, and I missed her terribly while I was on the run from the Candidate Coalition. But even more than my beloved Betty Hull, a woman WORTH leaving your wife for, I missed that magic Karen DeWine Olive Dip. So tonight, as I type this, I'm enjoying those light, crispy pita crisps dipped in savory Olive Dip. And Betty even made it for me using Karen's recipe. Is that twisted, or what? I tell you, I've got this hottie wrapped around my finger. I'm like nicotine to her. She's totally addicted to me.

But enough about my philanderous relationship with Betty Hull. Let's talk politics! After all, that's why you're here. Tonight, I give you my assessment of last night's Candidate Forum in Sharonville.

Steve Austin
What's with this dude? He looks like Don Knotts with a surgically implanted frown. Who wants to vote for a guy who has the corners of his mouth sagging to his kneecaps? Not me, that's who. And a word of advice to all you "wannabes" out there thinking about running for congress. Take one look at Steve Austin's performance last night and you'll see complete disregard for POLITICAL RULE #1 - When asked about something you don't know anything about, just make something up, and be sure to rephrase the original question.

Here's a sample for you, Stevie - something you can use in 2025 when Father passes away and I vacate this seat to run for Senate. Let's say you're asked an impossible question - something incomprehensible (sort of like the questions spewing forth from that near-dead lady in the white dress last night). Something like this:

QUESTION: "As you know, the per capita consumption of clean coal by powerplants in North America is some 674% higher than all of central Europe combined. Given this staggering imbalance, can the United States continue to rely on the Fuel And Resource Tariff (FART) bill, and if so, how does this relate to social security for persons under the age of 40?"

ANSWER: (One hand on podium, the other held aloft and brought up and down for emphasis as though you are dicing celery in mid air) "That's a very good question, Mark, I'm glad you asked, because it gives me a chance to explain to the audience my position on FART and how it relates to social security on a per capita basis in relation to the overall consumption coming from central Europe. As you know, I helped slash the impact of FART domestically by calling for more jobs and lower taxes, and that's why I'm asking for your vote on June 14th.

You see, Stevie? It's not hard. You just have to be willing to spew male bovine feces from your mouth. No charge for the clinic, rookie.

Eric Minamyer
This one is easy. Imagine Ben Stein with white hair and less personality.

Jean Schmidt
1 cup of robotic, unemotional voice
1 teaspoon of Militant Feminist
2 lbs. of LIARS BRAND Snake Oil
2 male cajones
1 tub of black mascara
3 peeled, seedless, recyled ideas

Put militant feminist in bowl with black mascara and bring to a boil. Stir in other ingredients and let simmer. Remove from heat and let thicken until wrinkly.

Tom Brinkman
This guy knows he can't win. Yet he's still in there, plugging away, splitting the vote and virtually guaranteeing that he'll have a vacancy on City Council in a few months that he can run for. You have to admire the man for boldly claiming to be the candidate of principle, then selling those principles out just so he can have a shot at my barely warm Commissioner's Seat. I love him! Keep running Tom! Screw family values! Help me win a Congressional seat that I won't give up until Father croaks! I'm gonna owe you big time!

David R. Smith

I didn't know he was Jewish. He bent down and I swear he was wearing a yarmulke on his blonde bouffant. And that rakish smile. If I was a homosexual, I'd be on that boy like stink on a ferret. And that patriotic speech had me whistling Yankee Doodle all the way home last night (after my escape, of course). But seriously David, it's time to give up the dream and throw your 14 supporters to me. Thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you.

Bob McEwen

OK, let's be honest here. The man is the 600-pound gorilla in this race. If he wasn't here, I'd already be sworn in. That's why I HATE him. He is standing between me and the office that is rightfully mine for the next 20 years. He gets up there, yapping about the late 1980's and early 1990's as though we actually did something good back then. As though the defeat of communism was so wonderful! Well, Bob McEwen, Whoopity Doo! Communism sucks, everybody knows it. It's no big deal so get over it.

And another thing... I'm sick and tired of you NOT slinging mud at me. It's driving me insane, because I know it's coming, and it's making me a nervous wreck. So? When are you going to do it, B-Mac? Come on, hit me with your dirtiest shot. I can take it!

That's right folks, McEwen is yellow (that's a term I learned in Brown County last week - it means "a-skairt," which translates to the King's English as "afraid"). He's afraid to sling the mud at me because he knows it backfired on my last opponent. And when we hit that CCV debate on June 3rd, I'm going in with the total confidence that most folks think Betty Hull IS my wife. All because McEwen thinks he's too classy to sling the mud. Instead, he's just trying to rack up every endorsement he can from the religious zealot crowd.

One more thing, B-Mac, bring some staffers with you next time. I had 47 peons from Father's office handing out glossy mailers of me cutting money in half, while you had one or two losers running back to their car to get more campaign materials every time they ran out. And who cares if more people took your yard signs. I'm sure they were just going to deface them like everyone is doing to mine.

AND THE REST

If your name wasn't mentioned above, BE VERY GLAD. It means you were good enough to be better than the candidates who embarrassed themselves by showing up. Unfortunately, it also means you don't have access to large piles of cash in order to fund your campaign to the point you would be taken seriously. So, it's kind of a Catch-22. You don't suck, but you don't have cash. So thanks for playing. Have a nice day. Give it up now and throw your support to me.

Until tomorrow (and barring any new subpoenas from KMK Law), this is Patrick DeWine, signing off.

Free at last. Thank the Whistleblower I am free at last.

2005-05-24T00:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is I, Pat DeWine, coming to you LIVE from my highly secure and super-secret War Room. The place is a virtual bee-hive of activity. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting one of Father's paid staffers rushing about with clipboard in hand trying to act busy as I pace back and forth and dictate to Shannon what to type into my blog for tonight.

Yes, faithful readers, we are burning the midnight oil here at DeWine HQ. You see, just after last night's Candidate Forum in Sharonville, I managed to escape from Coalition Candidate custody by taking advantage of a distraction and slipping right out the front door without anyone noticing.

Here's how it went down: Immediately after the closing remarks, I noticed that the other 10 candidates were mingling with the crowd, but I had somehow lucked out - nobody cared to speak with me. That freed me up to move along the side wall, facing away from the crowd while chatting on my cell phone. Then, it was just a simple matter of bounding up the stairs, slipping past my slave laborers who were trying to push my propaganda on unsuspecting voters, and out into the cool, dark night.

Just one small problem - The Whistleblower - Yes, Charles Foster Kane seemed to be watching my every move. I felt as though he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. I could tell he was excited about something, and a sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach - would he pounce on me and bind my hands and feet with his horrible comic book tie? Would he remove his elastic banded stretch pants to use it as a hood like I was some scumbag prisoner at Abu Ghraib? I suddenly felt ill at the very thought of such humiliation. I would become the laughingstock of the Whistleblower if HE caught me trying to slip away. Sure, he makes fun of me now, but can you imaging my embarrassment if a photo appeared on the Blower showing a CFK in boxer shorts and black socks up to his knees standing over poor me with my hands and feet bound by his necktie and my head draped in his sweaty black pants? The horror... The horror!

But then, just as I faced my darkest hour, a stroke of luck! Could it be? YES! Charles Foster Kane's concentration seemed to waver for a moment. His eyes broke contact, then, like lasers, locked on to the figure of the Event Moderator (how he managed to keep a straight face after Steve Austin's remarks each time remains a mystery to me). Kane stopped waddling towards me. He hitched up his elastic-banded pants, lowered his shoulder, and charged the poor sap like an enraged bull at a PETA-picketed rodeo. There was my chance! I slinked away, into the night (but not before grabbing the few remaining McEwen signs and tossing them into a dumpster). No one seemed to notice, and all I could hear were the shouted curses and threats issuing forth from the mouth of Charles Foster Kane:

"How DARE you not recognize ME as a distinguished member of the media! How DARE those distinguished members of the media FAIL to ask DeWine a single family values question? I am outraged! Outraged, I tell you. Don't you know who I am? I am the Whistleblower! I'll have your head! You are going to punished severely for this outrage, do you hear me Quarry?!?!?! This is the END of you!!!

And like that, I was gone.

Breaking News: PAT DEWINE CAPTURED

2005-05-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

At approximately 5:44am today, Coalition Candidate Forces, in conjunction with Task Force Integrity, local police and a special detachment of Deputies from Simon Leis's office, conducted a raid in the heart of downtown Cincinnati.

The raid resulted in the capture of a disheveled and aged-looking Pat DeWine. Details are still sketchy, but a passing motorist observed someone who looked like DeWine lift up the "Welcome" mat in front of the "Hustler" store downtown. Within minutes, the area was swarming with members of Task Force Integrity, who investigated the call.

At first, it appeared that DeWine may have eluded them again. But just before they were about to call off the search, a "spider hole" was discovered underneath the Welcome mat. Upon lifting it up, they discovered a bearded, tired and defeated Pat DeWine wearing a filthy sweater and reeking of body odor, coffee and stale cigarettes.

After taking DeWine into custody (below), the spider hole was searched.

Inside, members of Task Force Integrity found several publications from the nearby Hustler store, several old "Kruse" cups stained with coffee, an empty bottle of "Ginko-Biloba" Mental Performance Enhancer, a notebook with what will presumably be DeWine's opening remarks on Monday in Sharonville and $47,214 in cash, believed to be all that's left from his campaign "war chest."

DeWine was not allowed to speak with the media, but the Coalition Candidates released the following statement:

Mr. DeWine is in good condition. At this time, he is in a facility where he will get a hair cut, have his beard shaved, his clothing fumigated and his teeth brushed. Mr. DeWine will receive the finest care available.

It is our intention to allow Mr. DeWine to make an appearance in Sharonville on Monday evening at 7pm, where he will face a Conservative Values Criminal Tribunal. During the Tribunal, Mr. DeWine will be given two minutes to answer questions, and the Coalition Candidates will be afforded the same amount of time to make their case against him.

At the end of the Tribunal, Mr. DeWine will attempt to claim victory, but by that time it should be obvious that never once talked about family values nor how he could possibly represent them.

The jury in the Tribunal will make a final determination as to Mr. DeWine's fate on June 14th.

Members of the media were clamoring to find out just what the notebook contained, but Coalition Candidates refused to speculate, saying it was written in a special code used by the Old Hamilton County Republican Guard.

However, one Coalition Candidate stated on the condition of anonymity that the notebook may be "talking points" for tomorrow night's debate.

A press conference was scheduled for early Monday morning to discuss the decoded notebook.

Source: Task Force Integrity "hot on the trail..."

2005-05-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

A high-level official within Task Force Integrity made a statement to DeWine's Daily Dose on the condition of anonymity. The source stated unequivocably that Pat DeWine's whereabouts were known, that a highly sensitive operation is underway and that he will be captured "within hours." Stay tuned to DeWine's Daily Dose as this story unfolds in the coming hours...

Intercepted Broadcast from inside Hamilton County

2005-05-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

There have been several sightings of Pat DeWine over the past 24 hours, but thus far, he has remained one step ahead of Task Force Integrity.

Intelligence gathered from reliable sources within the Republican Guard seem to indicate that DeWine may be attempting to hide behind his "budget slasher" image - in the hope that his family values will not be called into question.

Rumor has it that DeWine is pleased with the news from the Enquirer today, where the paper proclaimed he was the second choice of Jack Kemp. Although several emails sent to patdewine@myself.com report that Kemp never said anything about a second choice, our intelligence experts believe that Howard Wilkinson of the Enquirer can now be regarded as a paid stooge of the DeWine campaign, and will soon have his mugshot plastered on his own playing card - most likely the same one Mike DeWine's face appeared on in yesterday's Daily Dose.

In other news, the Candidate's Coalition recently intercepted this TV broadcast emanating from a mobile transmitter somewhere near Fountain Square. Shortly after the broadcast, Candidate Coalition forces executed a strike on the mobile transmitter and eliminated the source of misinformation.

OFFICIAL MESSAGE FROM DEWINE "MINISTRY OF INFORMATION"

D-Day +5: Operation Hamilton County Freedom

2005-05-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Coalition Candidate's Briefing, Eastgate Holiday Inn, Clermont County:

Bob McEwen: Good afternoon, and thank you for coming to today's briefing. As everyone knows, the campaign to liberate Hamilton County is going well. The grip of tyranny by the Republican Guard is beginning to loosen, and we are now transitioning into a "mop-up" phase.

Our operational posture is changing as well. We have intelligence information which indicates that Pat DeWine is still in hiding, but that he may be directing his campaign from a secret location somewhere in the downtown area.

Intelligence information gathered over the past few days indicates that the DeWine campaign may resort to using Weapons of Candidate Destruction (WCD). Thus it is imperative that Pat DeWine be brought to justice as soon as possible. To that end, I have appointed the Honorable Jack Kemp to lead Task Force "Integrity" - which has the special mission of preventing the election of Pat DeWine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Kemp.

Jack Kemp: Thank you very much, Bob. You know, I played football a few years back. I even won a few games playing for the Buffalo Bills, and it was there that I met a man by the name of Orenthal James Simpson in 1969. Now it was my original idea to appoint OJ as my Deputy Director for Special Operations, but OJ had to turn me down because he is still busy "looking for the real killers." But OJ was kind enough to give me some advice. As many of you know, OJ has a few things in common with Special Forces personnel. First, OJ is no stranger to wearing their uniform of black clothes, black gloves and a black watch cap. Second, those special operations guys know a thing or two about weilding a blade. I think you know where I'm going with this... let's cut to the chase, shall we? Pardon the pun. OJ told me that what he learned while "looking for the real killers" was that it helps if you know what they looked like.

The advice OJ gave to me has resulted in this handy deck of playing cards which we will distribute to the press pool. These cards are so handy, and they work, too. I was using them to play solitaire in the back of my limousine on the way to this event when I looked out the window and thought I spotted someone who matched the Two of Hearts. My limo driver gave chase, but the limo was a bit too long and when we rounded the corner at 5th and Vine, we accidentally clipped a pedestrian. By the time the pedestrian's carcass was removed from our front fender, we lost him. Which reminds me of a story about the Buffalo Bills, which, incidentally, I used to play football for them. What? I'm out of time? OK fine. Here are those playing cards...

HAMILTON COUNTY'S MOST UNWANTED

If you see a person who looks like they match the guys on these cards, DO NOT take the law into your own hands. Leave that to the professionals from Task Force Integrity.

D-Day +3... Operation: Hamilton County Freedom

2005-05-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

We now join a joint press conference with Bob McEwen and Tom Brinkman already in progress.

McEwen: The operational tempo during this campaign is obviously very fast, and when operating at this speed, mistakes are going to happen. Thus far, we've been very fortunate to limit those mistakes, while inflicting maximum damage upon the enemy.

Today I'd like to show you two still photographs that were obtained at great risk by the region's premier political intelligence operative, Charles Foster Kane. Kane is so good that if I am elected to Congress, I am going to propose a bill to change the initials of the Central Intelligence Agency to the CFK. But I digress. These photos have been declassified and may be disseminated to the press pool. They depict the destruction of two DeWine yard signs and serve to illustrate the utter futility the DeWine camp faces as they attempt to deploy these poor signs...

And here is the second one for you. As you can see, this one got "X'd" out and completely obliterated by Special Operations personnel. These are people who go in under cover, request a yard sign, take it home, and deface it in order to show their distaste for the current Republican Guard regime. As you can see, they are a highly trained, elite unit. You only get this sort of precision from a Special Ops unit.

OK, I now want to turn over this portion of the briefing to Tom Brinkman, who will inform you about a special mission underway right now.

Tom Brinkman: Thank you Bob. I'd like to direct your attention to another Special Operations Mission that is being led by our Joint Psychological Operations Division, or PsyOps. Our PsyOps specialists have been dropping flyers all over the eastern end of Hamilton County that depict the proper way for DeWine supporters to surrender. We are telling residents that already have a DeWine sign in their yard to re-mount their signs upside-down on the wire frame.

I am now speaking directly to supporters of Pat DeWine: When our forces see the upside down DeWine signs, you will be treated with dignity and respect, not ridicule. You will be allowed to vote in the upcoming election, and you can vote for the candidate of your choice.

OK, I'd now like to show you an example of one of those flyers:

DeWine Supporter Surrender Leaflet

We believe this operation will begin to grow in popularity over the coming days, and it's highly likely that CFK will obtain TOP SECRET photos from his agents in the field to prove that it's happening. In fact, we fully authorize anyone to redistribute this leaflet at will in order to help the movement grow.

We will now take your questions.

Q: Where is Jean Schmidt?

Brinkman: She injured her back while delivering a suitcase full of cash to the Clermont County GOP Central Committee on Wednesday evening, but we believe she will be back tomorrow.

Q: Is Clermont County withdrawing from the Coalition?

McEwen: It sure seems like it. We made some strong diplomatic overtures with officials from Clermont County, but it now seems they are little more than a tool of the DeWine camp. Last night we saw the same sort of tyranny out of Clermont County's Central Committee that we see in the Hamilton County Republican Guard. Such tactics fly in the face of freedom and democracy, and I am going to watch this development closely going forward.

Brinkman: I agree with Bob. Clermont County is on my Watch List now.

Q: There was a rumor of a possible DeWine sighting last night. Do you have any information on that?

McEwen: No. But thus far, we have seen nothing from DeWine to convince us that he is actually a living, breathing, family values conservative. We are going to continue to operate on the assumption that he is not.

Brinkman: That's all the questions for today. Tomorrow's briefing will be held at the same time. Thank you.

Operation: Hamilton County Freedom

2005-05-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Transcript of Coalition Candidate Forces Press Conference

Bob McEwen: Yesterday, coalition forces, led by elements of the McEwen Air Wave Force, 550 KRC and 700 WLW air attack wings, launched a campaign to free Hamilton County and the surrounding communities from the tyrannical grip of the Republican Guard.

This elite Republican Guard force has aligned itself with the Pat DeWine campaign. However, our intelligence operatives have made contact with a number of leaders within the Hamilton County Republican Guard, and we believe many of them are ready to defect to our side.

Although I believe I could handle this campaign on my own, I am joined in this endeavor by nine other candidates which form the allied coalition, led by the Honorable Tom Brinkman and Honorable Jean Schmidt, and other candidates who have committed their own resources towards our common goal.

Make no mistake - Operation Hamilton County Freedom will succeed, because people everywhere yearn to be free to vote for the candidate they want, and shouldn't feel threatened or coerced into voting for Pat DeWine just because his Father told them to. The Republicans in Hamilton County will be free, this campaign will be triumphant, and Pat DeWine will be found and brought to justice.

I will now take your questions.

Q: Thus far, we've only heard radio ads. Is this the strategy?

BM: No. Our strategy will be "Shock and Awe." Will will bombard the citizens of Hamilton County with all manner of media, and I'm confident we will be joined by Tom Brinkman as well as Jean Schmidt with whatever they can muster.

Q: What about the lesser known candidates? How are they helping? Aren't they really just offering a token show of force?

BM: All candidates in this campaign will give it everything they have. And we share a common goal, to liberate Hamilton County and all of the Second District from Pat DeWine. While I would personally love it if the coalition were significantly smaller, I do not wish to diminish the efforts of any candidates in this campaign, even if they have limited resources, poor organization, and not a snowball's chance in hell. Strike that. I meant to say "heck."

Q: Where is Pat DeWine now?

BM: We don't know. But we're gonna find him. He can run, but he can't hide.

Q: Do you expect a response from DeWine?

BM: We do. I'm told he already has some airborne elements on the airwaves as we speak. OK... I'm told that we will be joined by Tom Brinkman and Jean Schmidt, who will each make a short statement and take your questions.

Tom Brinkman: As my esteemed colleague has shared with you, we are united in this effort to liberate Hamilton County from the grip of the Republican Guard. My own operatives have informed me that Hamilton County is divided into many loyalties, but that there is still a rogue element of this Republican Guard which "takes care of their own" and will not relinquish control without a strong fight. We're going to give it to them.

Jean Schmidt: I join my colleagues in telling the people of Hamilton County that it will not be long until they are liberated from the Republican Guard. In just 28 days, the people of Hamilton County will be free to vote in open, fair elections, where Pat DeWine will NOT be the only choice on the ballot.

We will now take your questions...

Q: A question for Brinkman. Do you have any ground troops to place yard signs? We haven't seen any yard signs representing you.

TB: Uh, ah. Yes. But that is an operational detail that I can't get into right now. We had some signs that were configured for the Mayor's race and are being retrofitted.

Q: Jean, we've seen your yard signs up all over the place. What about air forces?

JS: We're giving all we have with the yard signs. The yard signs are incredibly powerful. Have you seen them? Some of them are downright imposing.

Q: But how can you win with only yard signs?

JS: We can win. Trust me.

Q: Isn't that what you said a few months ago before the Niehaus Army overwhelmed you?

JS: Yes, but my Covert Operations Commander, Larry Householder, and my Gestapo Police Chief, Brett Buerck, have formulated a new strategy wrought with dirty tricks. It's all right here in this top secret 109 page memo which we've sent to the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Q: What do you plan to do with DeWine if you capture him?

BM: We plan to put him on public display during the debates so the free people of this community can judge for themselves who they should vote for.

Q: Which of the three of you is running this show?

BM, TB, JS: I am.

DeWine's Whereabouts Still Uknown.

2005-05-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Pat DeWine was expected to make a statement in response to the unprovoked airwave attacks which were recently launched. Thus far, DeWine is nowhere to be found. Political intelligence analysts have stated off-the-record that DeWine's campaign may have been incapacited by the attacks.

Stay tuned as the DeWine News Network (DNN) brings you all the breaking news on the latest developments.

BREAKING NEWS: The Air War Has Started!!!

2005-05-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

The first salvo in the air war has been fired by Bob McEwen. Live report from inside DeWine Campaign HQ: The DeWine Ministry of Information has released the following official statement:

In an unprovoked attack upon the Father Land, the infidel pig Bob McEwen has launched an air attack on conservative radio. This attack will not go unanswered. Our forces will meet McEwen's forces ad for ad in the airwaves over Cincinnati. We expect the infidel pigs Jean Schmidt and Tom Brinkman to join the coalition attacking DeWine in short order, and all will be repelled from Pat's Father's Land.

Our fearless leader, Patrick DeWine will make a statement on 550 KRC and/or 700 WLW shortly.

That is all for now.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
Minister of Information
DeWine for Congress

Other DNN Headlines:

*Guest Blogger Program on Hold.

*McEwen to hold press conference at 11pm EDT, will discuss air war.

*DeWine whereabouts unknown. McEwen's team believes air strike may have gotten him.

*Liberals outraged by attack on a champion of their family values.

New "Minister of Information"

2005-05-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

POSTED BY: Shannon Faulkner Jones

Effective immediately, the Pat DeWine Campaign has hired Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf as the new Minister of Information. Mr. al-Sahaf is a political veteran of some very tough PR battles, including his memorable efforts during Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Mr. al-Sahaf's primary duties over the coming weeks will be to report the FACTS of this campaign, despite the misinformation and propaganda coming from our political enemies. It is becoming clear that there is a large and united coalition against us, and we will fight to throw these infidels from the land of Pat's father.

Now, Mr. al-Sahaf will make some brief remarks.
_______________________________________

Greeting! Today is first day in long unholy war to defend Pat DeWine's rightful place in history, and we will not fail. We are not afraid of these opponents, we will repel them from the Father Land like the infidel pigs they are.

Have nice day. We talk again soon.

And now, here's Charles Foster Kane.

2005-05-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yes, Dear Readers, it is the much admired and often imitated - but never duplicated - Charles Foster Kane, coming to you with a DeWhine's Daily Dose Exclusive, and proud to announce that YES, I just might be running for Congress after all.

But first, the tri-state readership should thank Shannon Faulkner Jones for letting Yours Truly have this opportunity. But wait, why stop there? Shannon wouldn't be here if she handn't been hired to replace the two outgoing campaign managers, so be sure to thank them too. And THEY wouldn't be here if not for The Sniveling Senator's Stuttering Son, Patrick DeWhine, who, as you know, is on paid adminstrative leave while he gets his life figured out. But we shouldn't stop there either. We should also thank the Sniveling Senator Mikey D. Thanks to all of you who made this possible.

Now, on to business. On Tuesdays, the Blower typically discusses reader emails. We will continue that tradition here. So, let's go to the patdewhine@myself.com inbox, shall we?

These are real emails from real people who wrote to Pat DeWhine...

Thank you for your recent subscription. Membership has it's priveleges!
--eHarmony.com

If you run for yet another political office, I will ruin you!
--Simon Leis

There is no way I'm EVER going to work as your campaign manager, unless of course your campaign is absolutely desperate AND your father begs me.
--Shannon Faulkner Jones

I know you are behind that blog, you rotten devil you! It's great. I love it!
--Charles Foster Kane

Don't make me throw my hat into the ring, boy. Don't do it or I will enter the race and whip you like a rented mule.
--Bob McEwen

Hey baby, you looked so hot during your bus tour. Don't forget to delete this message or Betty might see it! See ya tonight? Luv ya! XOXOXOXOXO
--Tina D.

Patrick, my boy, I owed your father one. How's June 14th sound?
--Bob Taft

Enclosed please find a cease and desist order for the publisher of DeWine's Daily Dose.
--Keating, Muething & Klekamp, LLP

Thank you for your recent order of 100 bottles of Dom Perignon. It should arrive around 4pm on June 14th.
--Cincinnati Wine Importers, Ltd.

And another thing, you snot-nosed little jerk - you better start acting like a Family Values Conservative or I am going to disown you!!! Love,
--Father

Thank you for your interest in the open position we have. Unfortunately, due to your personal track record, you even failed to meet the minimum requirements for one of our most lenient offices in Cincinnati.
--The Vatican

Why waste all this money on a campaign? We both have similar values, and we both are willing to lie to get the endorsements we want. Instead, I propose we just have a long-distance marathon race to settle this once and for all.
--Jean Schmidt

We suggest this question, "If you were forced at gunpoint to vote for someone, who would you vote for if all other candidates were dead?"
--Zogby International, Push Polling Division

Why won't anyone endorse you? I don't understand what you've done wrong. It just doesn't make any sense.
--Betty Hull

If I stay in the race and you win, will you promise to endorse me for Mayor?
--Tom Brinkman

This email is to confirm your cancellation of 100 bottles of Dom Perignon for June 14th. If we can be of further assistance, please let us know.
-Cincinnati Wine Importers, Ltd.

Your recent request for a fruit crate or other object to make you appear taller while standing at the podium during next Monday's debate has been denied.
--Hamilton County GOP

Under FEC rules, a donor may request his contribution be returned to him. Based on this rule, my client requests his contribution be refunded immediately.
--Attorney for Carl Lindner

Great news! We have a celebrity endorsement! See below.
--Shannon Faulkner Jones

Vile-and-disgusting pictures in today's Daily Dose were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.

Now award-winning illustrator Artis Conception shows us who's really behind this blog:

DeWine's Daily Dose - BREAKING NEWS

2005-05-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

POSTED BY: Shannon Faulkner Jones

The Pat DeWine for Congress Campaign is pleased to announce the Special Guest Blogger Program, starting today.

Pat DeWine is currently dealing with some personal issues (severe depression, manic paranoia, etc.) and is on paid administrative leave until Friday. With a small but growing readership, we understand the importance of posting fresh content on a daily basis, and that is our committment to our readers.

Our Special Guest Blogger Lineup for this week is as follows:

Monday Night - Charles Foster Kane (believe it or not)
Tuesday Night - The Honorable Tom Brinkman
Wednesday Night - Jean Schmidt
Thursday Night - Bob McEwen

Once again, everyone's favorite blogger, Mr. Patrick DeWine, will be back this Friday, May 20th.

Special Guest Blogger - Shannon Faulkner Jones

2005-05-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, faithful readers, it is I, Pat DeWine's latest and greatest campaign manager, guest-blogging tonight so that I may answer the charges against me and to expose a flagrant lie published in the Whistleblower. No, Pat is NOT on suicide watch, he's just taking a well deserved night off.

First, let me say, "mea culpa." Yes, my fellow political junkies, I screwed up when I sent that email challenging my opponents to a series of debates. But it's not what you think. You see, the mistake wasn't that I projected an "image of desperation" (let's be honest, everyone knows the DeWine Campaign was in a complete state of disarray when I took over - that's no secret). No, the mistake was in informing a few of my key opponents that such debates were actually on the schedule.

Here is a verbatim response from Bob McEwen, who emailed me directly:

Shannon:

I cannot conceal my disappointment in your decision to run the DeWine campaign. It is a shame to watch good talent go to waste. Nevertheless, had you not sent this email, I might never have become aware that there were already five debates on the schedule. I, like you, have been so busy lately - just to give you some idea, here is my schedule for next week (TOP SECRET - I trust you will respect my privacy):

Monday: Call Brinkman, offer to endorse him for Mayor of Cincinnati if he drops out of this race. Be sure to point out that I would surely win this thing if he would only get out of my way.

Tuesday: Call Brinkman again, ask him why he's as stubborn as a mule.

Wednesday: Call Brinkman names behind his back, go to bed early for Secret Mission on Thursday.

Thursday: Visit hairstylist. Have "Perfect Politician Hair" installed on head. If everything goes right, it should match Jack Kemp's white mop on Friday. After the sun goes down on Clermont County, will apply black face paint and begin hijacking all the oversized Jean Schmidt signs.

Friday: Get up early. Brush teeth to a sparkling white using the top secret TBX-70 military-grade rotary toothbrush (which, incidentally, I voted for while in Congress in the 1989 Armed Forces Appropriations Bill), and head to campaign event with former Vice-Presidential Candidate Jack Kemp, a man with hair I envy.

So, Shannon, as you can see, I'm quite busy, and it's only expected that mistakes do happen. By all means, keep making them.

Sincerely,

Bob

So that was nice of Bob McEwen to offer those encouraging words. Here is a more terse but revealing response from Tom Brinkman:

Dear Pat (and Shannon),

Thank you very much for your rather disingenuous invitation to debate
the issues.

Thanks to your challenge, I recently learned there are FIVE debates already scheduled throughout the district. Apparently, your campaign has come down with a terminal case of dumbassitis. In politics, there is no cure.

I look forward to kicking your philandering ass at each and every one so that I can make a name for myself in the Cincinnati Mayor's race.

Thank you.
Tom Brinkman Jr.

So, Tom was a little more direct, which, in my opinion, makes him the perfect man to handle folks like the child-abusing Sam Malone on Cincinnati's City Council. Contrast Tom's response with that of Jean Schmidt, who, for some reason, honestly believes she can win:

Shannon:

Thank you for the wonderful invitation to debate your candidate. As you know, I am the frontrunner in this race, and a solid campaign manager like you already knows that the frontrunner doesn't need to debate anyone.

Let's examine the facts:

1) I took first place in the 10k Freedom Run. Where did Pat finish? Did he even compete? Why not? Our boys are dying over in Iraq and where is Pat DeWine? He's not running for freedom, that's for sure.

2) I am the President of Greater Cincinnati Right to Life. Bob McEwen does not have a monopoly on the Religious Zealots.

3) My campaign yard signs are HUGE! Have you seen them? Of course you have. I personally planted one in Patrick DeWine's front yard, even though it's not in the district.

So based on these obvious facts, I must respectfully decline your invitation to debate (unless you show up at the five already scheduled that I recently learned about thanks to your challenge).

Love,

Jean

So, there you have it. "The Big Three" might not have even shown up had I kept my mouth shut.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here is the response from David R. Smith's camp:

Shannon:

I was recently elected to the esteemed position of "Official Spokesman for the Silenced Seven," otherwise known as "The Also Rans." It is my pleasure to inform you that we readily accept your offer to debate the issues, and we further agree to your demand that we allow Pat to stand on a fruit crate during the debate so that he can appear taller.

Sincerely,

David R. Smith
Official Spokesman
The Silenced Seven (a.k.a. The Also Rans)

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE BLOWER IS LYING?

By the fact that he normally can't keep a secret. After all, he IS the Whistleblower, right? His recent claim that he knows the "true identity" of the publisher of "DeWine's Daily Dose" can be considered nothing more than a blatant attempt by CFK to make it look like he's got some sort of secret information. Let's examine the facts, shall we?

1) Everyone already knows the identity of the publisher - it's in the title of the blog! Kane is just trying to make his readers believe he's got info they don't have. It's shameful.

2) For the sake of argument, let's just pretend that the publisher of the blog wasn't really Pat (difficult, I know, but just try to stay with me on this). If Charles Foster Kane really did possess inside information on who was responsible, can you imagine any scenario where he would keep it a secret? Of course not! Thus, it is obvious under either scenario that CFK is blowing smoke on this one.

Well, it's been fun. Perhaps I'll guest-blog again in the coming weeks. But for now, I must be off. I've got to cancel that June 14th delivery of 100 bottles of 1995 Dom Perignon (a savings to our campaign of $30,122.18 - I'm worried I won't be paid otherwise).

Hope you enjoyed my guest-blog entry.

Very truly yours,

Shannon Faulkner Jones

Having a hard time being funny tonight.

2005-05-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

First, the Blower claims he "knows who I am." Apparently I haven't convinced you people that it REALLY IS ME, despite my new email address: patdewine@myself.com. Is that NOT convincing enough? Sheesh. Speaking of email, someone sent me the suggestion that if Kane really figured it out, he must be a member of the private detective duo "Jake and the Fatman." And his name isn't Jake.

See? That wasn't even funny. It was just mean. Apparently I am not a nice person. But I'm trying, and I think people respect me for that. In fact, I got 27 emails last night from people who are trying to help me understand my flaws. For example, several emails helped me understand the REAL reason Betty was angry last night for asking her to make me some olive dip. Here's just a quick sample:

Dear Pat DeWine,

You are a @!@#$% philandering scumbag! Not only are you a disgusting pig, you're obviously stupid too! Any moron would know not to ask his mistress to make one of his ex-wife's famous recipes. Stupid #$#!%& @#@#$er.
Sincerely,

Rebecca Collins

P.S. I've torn the enclosed page from my own cookbook, for obvious reasons: "Lisa Allen's Apple Cobbler."

And another:

Patrick,

You are embarrassing your father with this ridiculous blog, with all those embarrassing details of your sexual escapades. Keep up the good work.

Love,

Jessica Cutler
The Washingtonienne

P.S. Great idea mixing Levitra with Red Bull. I'll try that later when I'm shagging your Dad's friends. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone.

So, there you have it. This blog is having an effect on me. It's helping me to become a better person, and ultimately, a better Representative for you, Joe and Jane Sixpack.

Oh, before I go, I just wanted to say hello to my friend Nate Livingston. I heard he's starting his own Pat DeWine fan club. Check it out here.

Sleeping On the Couch

2005-05-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm typing this entry from the relative comfort (and safety) of my living room couch, due to the fact that Betty locked herself in the bedroom after tossing the contents of my dresser at me.

And to think this fight started over something as simple as Olive Dip. All I wanted was some delicious Olive Dip. And some Pita Crisps. Oh, how I have longed for those flaky pita crisps coated in savory olive dip. It seems like forever since such a delectable culinary delight has passed my lips and tickled my palate.

You see, earlier tonight, I was at home cheating on the phone with Shannon... wait... did I say "cheating?" I meant to say "chatting." Anyway, she mentioned how badly she wanted to send a volunteer to pick up some breadsticks from the Olive Garden, if only our campaign actually had any volunteers (unless you count forced slave-labor sent to us from Father).

Well, the mere mention of the word "olive" sent my tastebuds into a drooling frenzy, not unlike the first time I laid eyes on Betty (and no, I'm not just sucking up to her now so I can sleep in my own bed).

So there I was, sprawled out in my usual boxer shorts and "wife-beater" t-shirt, chatting on the campaign Blackberry while Betty watched Tana and Kendra duke it out on the Apprentice. During a commercial break, I said, "Betty-baby, would you be a dear and whip me up some olive dip?"

She gave me one of those quizzical looks, as though she didn't know what I was talking about. I replied, "Don't tell me you don't know how to make olive dip."

She shook her head. "No big deal," I thought, "I'll just give her the DeWine Family Recipe Book (9th Edition)." I trudged over to the bookshelf and pulled it out.

"Here you go, Betty-baby. Right there on page two."

Betty smiled and took the recipe book, then sat back as the Apprentice came back on.

"After the next commercial, OK, Patsy?"

"Sure, thing, Betty-Boop."

A few minutes later, it happened. The book came flying at my face, pages fluttering like a mutant butterfly on crack, and smacked me in the face, knocking my glasses off (if you see me tomorrow, look really close and you can see a small cut across the bridge of my nose).

I was stunned and surprised. That's when she walked to the bedroom and started tossing things out the door before locking me out. Once things calmed down, I tried talking to her, asking her what I had done, but she didn't answer.

I asked if I had made her upset last night after coming home from the Munoz Showdown, where I mixed some Levitra with my Red Bull Energy Drink, but she didn't respond. I think that might be it. I sorta passed out not long after that, and it might be the reason my breath smelled so bad. Come to think of it, I know that's the reason she's so upset.

Oh well, all this talk about olive dip has me drooling again. I think I'll make some myself. Here's the recipe from the DeWine Family Cookbook, 9th Edition, in case you want to follow along at home:

Karen DeWine's Olive Dip
1 1/2 c. pimento olives
1 1/2 c. black olives
2/3 c. olive oil
1/3 c. minced parsley
2 T. capers (optional)
1 T. minced garlic
1 T. fresh oregano

Pulse-chop olives in food processor. Add remaining ingredients. Let marinate 24 hours. Serve with Pita Crisps.
-----------------------------------------

Pita Crisps

1 bag Pitas

Cut each into 6 pie-shaped pieces, split in half. Place on cookie sheet, rough side up. Spray lightly with vegetable spray. Sprinkle with seasoning such as oregano & garlic powder or Italian seasoning. Bake 10-12 minutes until golden, 300 degrees. Keep in airtight container 5-7 days.

Mmmmm. Delicious. How I missed the flavor of this Olive Dip. Reminds me of the good ole' days.

Oh, and if anyone wants to send me their own recipes (or campaign spy reports), you can email me at patdewine@myself.com.

The Jean Poll

2005-05-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning in yesterday's clothes. Breath: horrible, like a cat used my mouth for a litterbox. I rolled out of bed, Betty was already gone. Into the kitchen, I opened the fridge and grabbed another Red Bull Energy Drink and headed for the laptop, where I sit pecking out another entry. Let's go to the Mail Bag, shall we?

So much hate mail, it's hard to find the good stuff. Let me see... Ah yes, there it is. The envelope from Schmidt Campaign Headquarters (apparently one of them must have believed what I said about Jean working for me, now I'm a campaign insider).

CONFIDENTIAL - From Zogby International
Phone Poll Questionnaire for Jean Schmidt:

1.How do you feel about the following candidates: (Please rate them as Very Favorable, Favorable, Neither Favorable nor Unfavorable, Unfavorable, Very Unfavorable)

Please rate Pat DeWine.
1) What if you knew Pat DeWine left his wife and family for another woman?
2) What if you knew Pat DeWine left the job he was just elected to?
3) What if you knew Pat DeWine had a blog where he made all sorts of outrageous claims?
4) What if you knew Pat DeWine was a sexual predator who referred children to Neverland Ranch on behalf of Michael Jackson?

Please rate Tom Brinkman.
1) What if you knew Tom Brinkman was rated as one of the worst legislators in the state?
2) What if you knew Tom Brinkman was only running to raise his profile for the Cincinnati Mayor's race?
3) What if you knew Tom Brinkman appeared on the TV Show Wife Swap?
4) What if you knew Tom Brinkman doesn't wash his hands after using the restroom?
5) What if you knew Tom Brinkman supported philandering Pat DeWine in his race for Commissioner just seven months ago?
6) What if you knew Tom Brinkman was really a homosexual abortion doctor?

Please rate Bob McEwen.
1) What if you knew that Bob McEwen bounced 166 checks about 10-15 years ago?
2) What if you knew that Bob McEwen spent the past 12 years as a lobbyist in Washington D.C., where some of his clients included Muslim countries?
3) What if you knew that Bob McEwen killed three people in a bar fight in Brown County last night?
4) What if you knew that Bob McEwen was a member of the Iron Horse motorcycle gang?
5) What if you knew that Bob McEwen was part of an Islamic Sleeper Cell and has actually taken flight training?
6) What if you knew that Bob McEwen just last week personally smuggled seventeen illegal aliens into the country in the back of a 1982 Ford Econoline Conversion Van?

Please rate Jean Schmidt.
1) What if you knew that Jean Schmidt is President of Greater Cincinnati Right to Life?
2) What if you knew that Jean Schmidt took first place in the 10k Freedom Run?
3) What if you knew that Jean Schmidt had a secret identity as a Super Hero and she used her super powers to fight evil?
4) What if you knew that Jean Schmidt didn't need to get permission to place her oversized campaign signs on private property?
5) What if you know Jean's entire campaign plan involves carrying the Loveland-Milford-Batavia Triangle, but no place else?
6) What if you knew that Jean Schmidt knows the secret location of Osama Bin Laden and will bring him to justice if elected?

With a poll like that, who needs elections? Yet according to her own web site, she won this poll by 2.9% (somebody call Zogby, find out if that's even outside the margin of error). That tells you something. It tells you that the voters of this district are either:

a) Total idiots to choose her 20% of the time, or;
b) Savvy enough to recognize a push-poll when they see one.

And by the way, Jean, you bombed at the RPAC meeting in Milford. Bombed. I was told that the smattering of applause that could barely be heard above all the chit-chat was primarily out of sympathy. Try taking a hit of Jack Daniels before speaking in public, it might loosen you up. And one more thing: to win this election, you're going to have to do more than carry Milford.

It's 10pm. Do you know where your Hall of Famer is?

2005-05-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in the lot, it's just me and Betty, a digital camera, my laptop, my Louisville Slugger, a can of Red Bull Energy Drink, a nearly empty bottle of Ibuprofen, a box of gauze bandages and some Isopropyl Rubbing Alcohol.

Oh, and a handful of onlookers who can each personally verify that Anthony Munoz is such a sissy that he didn't even show up to the fight. Don't try to deny it, either. Betty snapped your picture and I'm uploading it right now...

Stay tuned... one of my spies supplied me with the actual questions from Jean Schmidt's push poll. Once I get back home and tuck Betty in, I'll be posting the questions along with a few comments and suggestions for my opponents.

Plan B - Always have a Plan B

2005-05-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention that I also purchased a new pair of running shoes from Dick's.

The Lowdown on the Showdown

2005-05-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

While driving toward Dixmyth Avenue to scout out a good spot for my photographer, I made an executive decision to pull into a Dick's Sporting goods.

They were advertising a sale on all baseball equipment. Once inside, I selected a very nice Louisville Slugger, sporting double-walled aluminum and rubberized no-slip sport grip. I thought about splurging and getting a pair of batting gloves, but decided I wouldn't need them during the two-minute beat down I will be administering later today.

While I'm sure it might be tempting to want to show up and watch this show of force, I strongly urge you to remain locked in your home with your family while I do what must be done for the good of District 2 and for America.

Special "Anthony Munoz is a Sissy" Edition

2005-05-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

So what if Anthony Munoz has endorsed one of my opponents? I mean, who cares? He's just a big fat washed-up tub of lard like the has-been candidate he endorsed. What's next for that inept campaign? Are they going to trot out "Ed," Munoz's short little sidekick from the furniture commercial?

You know, I'm not afraid of Anthony Munoz, either. Not only can I whip his candidate in this election, I can whip that no-talent muscle-head any day of the week. You hear me, Munoz? I'm calling you out for a no-holds-barred street fight. Meet me at 10pm tomorrow night in the parking lot of Good Sam Hospital, near the ER entrance and bring a knife or a bat if you want, but come alone. I will supply a photographer so that we can document your asswhoopin' for my blog. That's right, fight fans. It's Pat DeWine versus Anthony Munoz. Note to new campaign manager...delete prior to posting: don't forget to verify they have a surplus stock of my blood type [O negative], in case he shows up.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, The Whistleblower seems determined to paint me as some sort of monster. Not only did Charles Foster Kane (hereafter referred to as "CFK" <---it even looks obscene) say that my campaign is in trouble, but his compatriot "Artis Conception" made a half-hearted attempt to portray me as "Gollum/Smeagol" (scroll to bottom) from Lord of the Rings.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty lame attempt at humor. But I'm not angry. To the contrary. His sorry artwork inspired me to work harder at figuring out which famous TV and movie characters my opponents look like.

I thought for a while, then I came across a photo of Jean Schmidt and I got an idea...

The lousy Democrats should be happy I'm not picking on them. I'm not sure if I would pick the cast of "Different Strokes" or "Webster." Tough call.

Don't miss tomorrow when I post digital photographs of Anthony Munoz with a shiner and a fat lip.

My Michigan Law Degree is Finally Coming in Handy

2005-05-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned yesterday, while trying to enjoy a nice Sunday afternoon to myself, the doorbell rings...

So I grab one more chip, scoop the last bit of French Onion Dip from the bottom of the plastic container, and trudge to the door wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and my grease stained "wife beater" t-shirt. I crack the door, but the chain only lets it open so far. A voice says, "I'm looking for a fella goes by the name of John Smith. You him?"

"No, my name is Pat DeWine," I replied.

"Works every time," he snorted, as he shoved a yellow envelope through the crack with the familiar KMK logo on the upper left corner, "Consider yourself served."

I shut the door and decided then and there that I should probably clear my head. I went to my closet and put on some clothes, poured myself some coffee, sat down at the kitchen table, and tore open the envelope from my old law firm...

CEASE AND DESIST ORDER

Dear Mr. Pat DeWine:

It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorized use of the name "Pat DeWine" or have engaged in libelous activity in an internet work entitled DeWine's Daily Dose (hereafter referred to as the "Work"). Mr. DeWine has reserved all rights to this namesake, and would never engage in such a Work on his own accord. Your work entitled "DeWine's Daily Dose," while an attempt at humor, has not been authorized by Mr. DeWine nor his agents, and is therefore illegal.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use Mr. DeWine's name for the Work as the basis for DeWine's Daily Dose, nor have you posted anywhere on the Work any sort of disclaimer that the Work is a work of fiction and/or satire, you have willfully infringed on Mr. DeWine's rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein. Further, if you fail to comply with this cease-and-desist order, this matter shall be referred to the Federal Election Commission for investigation and follow-up.

Mr. DeWine demands that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing Works and all copies, including electronic copies of same, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of his rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by 12:00pm on May 9th, 2005 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, Mr. DeWine shall take further action against you.

Very truly yours,

Senator Mike DeWine and the attorneys at Keating Muething & Klekamp PLL
____________________________________________________________________

Now isn't that just a big load of crap?

Rather than a simple phone call, Father had to get the Goon Squad to come after me. I guess he really is serious about this DeWine Family Legacy stuff. Guess it's time I set him straight:

Dear Senator DeWine and the attorneys at Keating Muething & Klekamp PLL:

It's MY name. It's MY blog. It's MY campaign. There is NOTHING you can do to stop me from being honest with the people of Ohio's Second Congressional District! They deserve to know the TRUTH... they deserve to know just how guys like me get elected. They deserve to know what kind of representative I'm going to be when I'm yukking it up with folks like you in Washington D.C.

So sue me.

Sincerely,

Pat DeWine
Publisher, DeWine's Daily Dose

Meeting on Rumpke Mountain

2005-05-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

Judging from the volume of hate mail that I've been getting lately, including the cease-and-desist order from the attorneys for Senator Mike DeWine (come on, Father, do you really expect a judge to order me to STOP being honest???)it has become apparent that many of you believe I am not going to win this race.

Yet it is YOU, my dear reader, that is mistaken about a great many things. As a demonstration of my absolute power - of my sheer and complete control of this race - I will now reveal one of the most closely guarded secrets within my own campaign (and that of several others...):

There are currently two other candidates in this race that are literally at my beck-and-call. If I tell one of them to wear a dark blue business suit and white blouse to the Silverton GOP meeting on Monday night, she will do it. If I tell her to wear some thick panty-hose, she probably won't, even though she should, because it might cover up those vericose veins in her legs - or are those bruises? Regardless, she does my bidding, and I am a stronger candidate because of it.

Last week, I bid her to call a TOP SECRET meeting with Tom Brinkman so that we could add him to my list of minions. The meeting took place at my secret hidden base in the catacombs of Rumpke Mountain. Transcript follows:

TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATIONS from RUMPKE MOUNTAIN BASE ALPHA:

PAT DEWINE: Attack Dog, this is Rising Son. Do you read me? Over.
JEAN SCHMIDT: Yes, sir, I read you loud and clear. Go ahead Rising Son.
PD: We need to execute attack plan Tango Bravo, do you copy? Over.
JS: Roger that, Rising Son. Stand by for conferencing... Pope-a-Dope, do you copy?
Tom Brinkman: Hello? Er... roger, um...why can't you just call me "Taxkiller" like MY own minions call me?
PD: Because, Pope-a-Dope, we are TRYING to keep our alliance a SECRET! Sheesh. Do I have to think of everything?!?!?!
TB: Uh, OK. Roger that Rising Son. Now what's this meeting about? Over.
PD: You and Attack Dog must meet at the Summit of Mountain Base Alpha, we have important business to discuss, over.
TB: Mountain base alpha? You mean that stinking cave on Rumpke Mountain?
PD: Tom! Er... I mean, Pope-A-Dope, you must remember Operational Security at all times!
JS: Do you want me to punish him, sir?
PD: Negative! Just be here at 1900 hours sharp! Rising Son out.
TB: Hey, Jean, what time is 1900 hours? Jean? Hello? Jean?

LATER THAT EVENING... Jean Schmidt, wearing a white blouse and carrying a hard hat under her arm, approaches the disguised figure of Tom Brinkman, sporting a t-shirt and black baseball cap, and wearing the Rumpke mandated safety goggles:

JEAN: Greetings. On behalf of my Master, Patrick DeWine, I wish to welcome you to Mountain Base Alpha.
TOM: Thank you. A lovely location. The stench is actually more tolerable than the odor which emanates from the Hamilton County Commissioner's Orifice...
JS: Indeed. Now, on to business. My Master wishes to sell you his soul.
TB: I thought so. And what price does he wish to charge me?
JS: My Master asks only that you drop out and endorse his candidacy.
TB: Impossible. It won't work. I would NEVER endorse a loser. McEwen would surely win if I drop out. I have a counter-proposal. I shall stay IN the race, split the Religious Zealots between McEwen and myself, and automatically vault DeWine to victory. It's virtually assured. And yet, even that is too much of a price. I want more in exchange for it...
JS: Very well. I am authorized to offer you this as well...
TB: Hmmm. Interesting. A "joint endorsement" from Life Institute. Very interesting. How did you pull it off? I assumed McEwen had it locked up.
JS: Let's just say I know how to spread nasty rumors. I just told them that McEwen tried to talk Mike DeWine into trying to abort Pat many years ago.
TB: Aha... excellent work. Where do I sign?
JS: Right here.
TB: And when do I take delivery of the soul?
JS: Actually, I'm not sure he has one...
_______________________________________________

And so, THAT's how you win elections, folks. No charge for the lesson.

Fountain Square Phone Call from Father

2005-05-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

Had lunch downtown today at the Rock Bottom Brewery. In a tip of my hat to Tony Blair from across the pond, I ordered the fish and chips, but avoided the microbrew they serve there because it has a strange metallic aftertaste.

While I was sitting there alone, one of the volunteers from the campaign office came sprinting into the restaurant with a message. It was from Father:

"Patrick:

While you were at home watching The Apprentice last night, the other candidates were busying themselves trying to outflank you. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE THE START OF THIS RACE TO GET PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR YOU???

Call me upon receipt of this message.

Love,

Dad"

I was outraged!

The nerve of Father to send such an embarrassing note through a volunteer! What would the rest of the staff think? Had they seen it? And why was Father scolding me? HE is the one who is supposed to be pulling the strings to manufacture victory in this race! HE is the one who wants to repair the alleged "damage" done to his good name by building a family legacy. Shouldn't HE be the one who's out there campaigning?

The volunteer still lingered, waiting for me to react. I fired him, right there, in the middle of Rock Bottom Brewery. I tried to be low-key, but the guy actually started CRYING. I got up and left, telling the fired volunteer to charge the lunch to my campaign. He seemed to brighten, as though there was some hope. After all, you can't really fire a volunteer, can you?

Once outside, I walked down the steps to Fountain Square and hammered out a quick email to Father with my Blackberry:

"father - pleas forgive the typos, i am typing wit my thumbbs. i got you note but dont unerdstand why u r mad at me. i thoguht you said yuo took care of eveyrtihng??? n e way, don't woory. my spy at mcewen hq told me he was was trying to act like a christian at some silly "prayer day" event. brinmkan was in confession or mass or something with his rpriest or rabbi or whatever over some weird thing, and schmidth was busy trying to fake more endorsments. don't worry father, we will win."

I hit send. The phone rang. Father yelled at me right there on Fountain Square and said something I hadn't considered before:

"Son, in order to win this primary during a special election when this is the ONLY issue on the ballot, you need to give the voters are REASON to show up at the polls. And another thing, boy... I cannot physically be INSIDE the voter booth as these Hamilton County GOPsters cast their ballots. They might just be paying me lip service! Now get off your lazy buttocks and start acting like a family values conservative!"

Hmmm. I'm starting to believe Father doesn't like me either.

Ever heard of Opposition Research?

2005-05-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

Pat DeWine, undercover in Anderson.

The depth of stupidity surrounding me in the room in Anderson Wednesday night was simply amazing. There I was, wearing a disguise barely good enough to fool my ex-wife, sitting next to the numbskull Andersonians as they listened to the blather spewing from the mouths of my political opponents.

Why the disguise, you ask? Because I was conducting opposition research, you idiot! Nobody expected me to show up at the meeting, despite the fact that I SAID I would be there. I may have lied to my ex-wife on our wedding day, but I'm not lying to you people now! I told you morons on Day One that this blog was about honesty - a true peek into my inner psyche, and well... you're getting it alright. The real me.

Would a lying Pat DeWine tell you he showed up at the meeting just to make sure SOMEONE voted for him in their stupid straw poll? Of course not. That's what makes this blog so unique - I'm being honest with you. And yes, I freely admit that the single vote cast for Pat DeWine was cast by none other than Pat DeWine (loosely disguised as Groucho Marx).

So there, Kane. For a guy who prides himself on scooping the mainstream press, you sure screwed up when you claimed I wasn't there. Next time, pay attention to detail.

Out on bail...

2005-05-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

So this guy comes up and flashes a badge and says he's Special Agent Smith from the CCV. I said, "Yeah, so?" And the guy tells me I've been indicted on one count of infidelity, one count of illegitimate child conception, and one count of posing like a family values conservative.

I paused. He slaps the cuff on. A camera flashed to my left. I turned to him and said, "Do you know who my father is?" And this punk "Special Agent" had the audacity to say, "Sorry Patrick, but you're in Clermont County now. The Hamilton County GOP can't save you here. Nor in Brown County. Nor Pike. Nor Adams, Warren, or Scioto."

After some negotiation, he agreed to release me on the condition that I remain in Hamilton County, where it's relatively safe.

Surely Father can help me.

I'm Walking on Sunshine

2005-05-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning. Mood: Chipper.

Opened up the paper to the (two-day old) "news" that my coronation has been set for June 14th. After suppressing a smile, I logged in to my internet account and sipped my coffee. I like it black, as you might have guessed.

No news from Brinkman. Check.
No announcement from Schmidt. Roger.
Nothing official from McEwen. Checkmate.
Nothing from nobody (i.e. David R. Smith). Irrelevant waste of money.

Check the Blue Chip Review. No news.
Read the Whistleblower. Same rude, racist crap. And no, I don't stutter and Father doesn't snivel.

Yes, Kane, I will be at the Anderson GOP meeting tonight, if only to show those washed up turds that I don't care about their stupid poll. I am the only candidate in this race to be taken seriously. Everyone, including the crusty Andersonians, will soon be kissing my ring and all of them will claim they voted for me, even if their votes had to be changed prior to counting.

As for those "furtive" glances I allegedly gave Betty during the Butler County dinner, well, I've got news for you - I'm not hiding my inappropriate relationship with her. In fact, anyone who was watching could have seen me with my arm around her and chatting while we all stood outside smoking cigs with the Blackwell staffers. A nice looking bunch, those guys. Except for the dude with the black rimmed glasses and the wig. Ever heard of Rogaine? It works, trust me.

Logging off and heading to lunch. Meeting Betty at the Cargo Pants Bar and Grille. Until tomorrow, this is the soon to be Honourable Patrick DeWine, signing off.

Just 42 days left until I win... MUHUHAHAHAHAHA!

2005-05-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, I hate to gloat, but Father engineered a real coup when he made Boob Taft set the primay date so early. I heard when McEwen and Brinkman heard the bad news they nearly choked on their roast beef last night at the Butler County Lincoln Day dinner.

Speaking of that, I think I made some real headway at the table I was sitting at. The folks at my table seemed to be eating out of the palm of my hand. It's like they could hardly wait to get out of there so they could go and vote for me. And wasn't that chocolate pie delicious? So light and fluffy. Mmmmm. Yummy.

Betty looked good last night didn't she? I bet many of you finally figured out why I dumped my wife and traded her in for a sportier model. Family values, you say? HA! Betty Hull is TWICE the value of my ex. Get real people. The only family values that are coming into play in this Congressional race is the value of Father to my success.

See ya in D.C., suckers.

June 14th? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2005-05-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm laughing all the way to Washington D.C. I knew that idiot Bob Taft would be good for something. Father must have promised him that he would pull some strings in order to guarantee Taft wouldn't be recalled like Gray Davis.

A June 14th election means that nobody - not Jean Schmidt, not Tom Brinkman, and especially not Bob McEwen - will be able to establish name recognition before the election begins.

The only problem is that I still haven't figured out how to make people feel like Father will be watching them in the privacy of the voting booth.

Charles Foster Kane can WhistleBlow Me

2005-05-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

You know, this Charles Foster Kane guy can bite my white buttocks. Is anyone else sick and tired of him taking potshots at me and my lovely girlfriend Betty? He's been calling her my "Fat Black Floozie" and only one of those terms is even close to correct. I mean, have you ever seen her? She doesn't even look black!

Maybe I'll post a photo of her in the next few days... In the mean time, it seems pretty obvious that the Whistleblower has it in for me. Little does he know the Fix is in, and Charlie Kane is playing right into my hands.

He clearly supports "TaxKiller" Tom Brinkman. Let's follow the dotted lines here, shall we?

First we start with the Blue Chip Review, which hosts the Whistleblower on the Internet. The Blue Chip Review has strong ties to the Blue Chip Young Republicans, which in turn holds meetings that are ALWAYS attended by Tom Brinkman. Clearly, Kane is a shill for Brinkman.

There. I said it. What I didn't say is how hilarious it is that CFK is little more than a TOOL. That's right, a TOOL. You see, Father called in a few favors and so Brinkman does what he is told. And last month, Father told Brinkman to announce his candidacy for OH-02 for the explicit purpose of splitting off the vote between Jean Schmidt and Bob McEwen. Father is a political MASTERMIND.

Stand back and marvel at his brilliance.

Blower_05012005

Dear Friend? Friend??? Jean Schmidt has "friends?"

2005-04-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

Have you people seen this nonsense?

Dear Friend

Here is Jean Schmidt trying to portray herself as "The Frontrunner," when in fact she spent thousands of dollars commissioning a push-poll that she can't even win outside the margin of error?!?!?!?!?!?

This poll proves two things:

Jean Schmidt's campaign manager is a World Class Idiot.
Jean Schmidt's campaign is in a World of Hurt.

If you can't win your own push-poll by more than the margin of error, you've got serious problems. If your campaign manager isn't smart enough to make damn sure you DO win your own push-poll, you've got serious problems. Jean Schmidt and her staff of "FemCons" just polled themselves right out of contention. Nighty-night, Jeanie Weanie.

Why I'm Running for Congress

2005-04-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

When I first thought about what to write in my blog today, I thought this would be an easy topic, a nice, easy puff piece designed specifically to make me look good. But then I started thinking that this blog really isn't designed to get more votes for me, but instead, to inform you, the common man or woman - Joe (or Jane) Sixpack, if you will - just how things work in my world.

So to give you the pat answers - like, "I want to fight for conservative values," or "I believe in protecting the American Family," would just not be honest. Sure, Bob McEwen will say those things - and he might even mean them - but let's face it... I've met Bob McEwen, and I'm no Bob McEwen. Heck... I'm not even Tom Brinkman. Or David Smith. While I'm at it, I'm not even Tyrone Yates. But enough about that. Back to the subject at hand. Um...what we were talking about? Oh yes. Why am I running for Congress? Hmmmm. Let me think for a moment...

OK. I've got it... Drum roll please...

Because Father told me the only way I would ever live down my divorce and prevent my permanent relegation to the political graveyard would be to bank on his good name while he could still pull some strings with the Governor's office to get the special election date set as soon as possible after Rob gets confirmed... name recognition will be worth a premium then!

Father is so smart.

Borgman is an Idiot

2005-04-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHA! This is only funny because it's so stupid. Does Borgman honestly believe I wanted to run for Pope? He's obviously not Catholic, because no self respecting Catholic would want a Pope who's been divorced and is now living with a new girlfriend. HA! Borgman, this just proves you're an idiot.

@#$#!! Bob McEwen

2005-04-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

DOH! Things are starting to heat up, but I'm not worried. Father says Bob McEwen's just a washed up has-been who'll have to split the vote unless that simpleton Brinkman gets out of the race. My guess is that Brinkman and McEwen will play a game of chicken and they'll BOTH lose. And if they don't, well, the "fix" is in, if ya know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Brinkman announces bid; McEwen says he'll run, too

Latest Poll Results!

2005-04-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the results are in, and I am kicking butt. That's right, you heard it here first, I have a HUGE lead in the polls! Among the voters we carefully handpicked for this "make news" story, we lead the nearest competition by a margin of 52% to 10% - a lead of 42 points!

OK. Time for some sincere honesty here... it was a push-poll commissioned by Father and carefully crafted to make sure that no other candidates came out ahead. But GET REAL, PEOPLE! Do you honestly think some washed-up, has-been politician like Bob McEwen can beat me? Is HIS daddy a United States Senator? Can HIS daddy pull strings in Hamilton County and force the GOP leadership to kiss his ring? NO! Of course not. And you know what else? Who cares if Bob McEwen is loved, adored and worshipped by millions of country bumpkin, hayseed hicks in Brown and Scioto and those other stupid counties anyway? All I have to do is take 100% of the vote in Hamilton County (and believe me, that can be arranged, though I suppose it might look suspicious when the turnout for the GOP primary consists of 78% Democrat voters).

Anyway, McEwen probably isn't even going to run.

Note to Sheriff - This town ain't big enough for both of us...

2005-04-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not afraid of you, Simon Leis! I don't care that you've served Hamilton County for as long as I've been alive... your "service" has resulted in nothing less than a humiliating movie for our beloved city (one of my favorites, incidentally), called "The People vs. Larry Flynt."

Meanwhile, my family (well, Father) has served this entire STATE and has never forced his fellow Buckeye's to endure the humiliation that you put us through with the help of Larry Flynt (as portrayed by Woody Harrelson).

If I am elected, I will continue in the grand tradition of Father by avoiding Hollywood Controversies. And if anyone dares to mention my affair, all I can say is that such a character flaw is HARDLY the stuff of Hollywood movies these days. Get over it already, you self-righteous right-wing religious zealots!

The Cincinnati Post - Leis blasts GOP commissioners

Ambition worm spoils DeWine????

2005-04-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

No no NO! What is wrong with these idiot editorializers? Is that a word? Aw, who cares. This article sucks out loud. But since I want to give you common folks...er voters a chance to see everything, here it is:

Ambition worm spoils DeWine

Now honestly, does anyone in this county believe I should be FORCED to serve out my term as Hamilton County Commissioner? Isn't this a free country? I'm pretty sure there are two reasons I can do as I damn well please:

1) The US Constitution
2) My daddy is a US Senator

So there.

Why don't you people understand me?!?!?!?

2005-03-30T20:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a great shot of me trying to explain to the press why I am running for office again. Apparently the folks in the media have no concept of "career progression" in politics, and that irks me. Yes, I am perturbed by the fact that politicians are expected to "serve" the public, but aren't allowed to be ambitious. Go screw yourselves, idiot reporters.

Welcome to My World.

2005-03-25T19:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first post of my new blog. I am Pat DeWine and I am going to take you on a journey to show you what it's really like to be an up-and-coming Republican politician. This blog is your ticket to the inner circle of my campaign, where you will get a taste of what it's like to be me! Be here with me the next time I get the results of one of my push-polls. Find out my innermost thoughts as Father lashes out at me for embarrasing the family name. Be a fly on the wall as the election unfolds and Ohio's Second Congressional District selects their newest Representative.

I'm glad you're here.

Should I fire Shannon this weekend?
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